Fathead

Lake County's U.S. Senator Mark Kirk was caught, on-the-record again, saying something thoughtless ...

At one point, Duckworth talked about her family's long history of involvement in the U.S. military, describing herself as a "daughter of the American Revolution" who has "bled for this nation." When it was Kirk's turn to offer a rebuttal, he offered a single sentence: "I had forgotten that your parents came all the way from Thailand to serve George Washington."
More aggressive Kirk goes after Duckworth in second debate, questions her family's heritage

To illustrate the story, the Chicago Tribune chose this AP feed photo ...

Note to Mark Kirk for Senate Campaign Operatives. Maybe you should think about providing the Tribune with a good press photo of the boss ...

Just sayin!

Q the Eye/05.08.16

Dear LakeCountyEye,

Long time reader, first time troller.

How do I tell which parts are supposed to be jokes and which ones are real?

Senator Jack S Phogbound

Dear Cartoon Congressman,

It absolutely is getting hard these days to tell where political satire ends and the political campaign rhetoric begins.

But, sirrah, your LakeCountyEye takes offense at the suggestion that this blog purveys anything less than 100% factual truth.

For instance, two weeks ago your LakeCountyEye predicted that Donald Trump will choose Illinois US Senator Mark Kirk to be his Vice Presidential running mate ...

Second Banana?

Satire?

Or reality-based reportage?

Skeptics should take note: CNN has reported that ...

Whether he likes it or not, Illinois Sen. Mark Kirk has a new running mate: Donald Trump.
Donald Trump looms large in Illinois Senate race

In an interview about Trump, Kirk was upbeat about his new running mate's chances:

"He won the Illinois primary, in this case we have seen the Republican vote up and the Democratic vote down, so it looks like it's a net benefit."
Donald Trump looms large in Illinois Senate race

Now that a Trump/Kirk Presidential ticket is a done deal, your LakeCountyEye can predict that 2016 will be the final year that Mark Kirk represents Illinois in the US Senate. Take it to the bank.

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ...LakeCountyEye@gMail.com

RINO Plasticity

There is an old saying in Lake County:

As Indiana goes, so goes the nation.

Haha, Donald Trump is now officially the President of Indiana. And Lake County's single US Senator, Mark Kirk, is scared witless. According to Politico ...

Sen. Mark Kirk isn't just distancing himself from the rest of the GOP — he's fleeing from it. From the Supreme Court vacancy battle to gay rights to criminal justice reform, the moderate Illinois Republican is sounding more like a Democrat with each passing day as he fights to save his political life in an overwhelmingly blue state this fall.
Kirk goes full RINO to save Senate seat
The most endangered Republican senator in the country is sounding a lot like a Democrat these days.

Mark Kirk, in fact, is sounding so much like a Democrat these days that the Illinois State Board of Elections has legally enjoined the Senator to change his ballot name to Dick Durbin.

Your LakeCountyEye will keep you apprised when further developments warrant.

Second Banana?

GOP delegates will not be able to bum a ride off of Mark Kirk. Lake County's single US Senator is not attending the Republican Convention. According to BuzzFeed ...

Republican Sen. Mark Kirk of Illinois isn't touching the coming Republican convention with a 10-foot pole. "I've got to really do my hair that week," Kirk said on ROE CONN on WGN radio when asked about his plans to skip the convention. "Make sure that my hair is just perfect."
Mark Kirk On GOP Convention: "I've Got To Really Do My Hair That Week"

For the lowdown on the impending Mark Kirk noshow, your LakeCountyEye asked Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Dean of Cosmetology at the College of Lake County.

"Ya," said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "Senator Mark Kirk is sending his Party bosses a clear signal. He wants to be their candidate for Vice President."

Your LakeCountyEye had not expected to hear that. Didn't Kirk say he would boycott the Convention?

"Absolutely." replied Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "But you boycott a Convention by staying home. You don't do it by telling everyone that you will boycott the Convention. That's like when [US Speaker of the House] Paul Ryan told everyone he would not be a candidate for President."

Thus signaling that he could be a candidate for President?

"No flies on you today." chuckled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi.

Who was Kirk sending a signal to?

"Donald Trump, of course." sighed Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Who else spends hours on his hair to make sure it is just perfect?"

Your LakeCountyEye had to concede the point.

"A Trump-Kirk ticket would be just what the doctor ordered." continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Rule #1 is do no harm. A gaffe-prone running mate can sink a presidential campaign faster than you can say youbetcha. Who would be better-suited than a Mark Kirk?"

Your LakeCountyEye noted that Kirk once called Lindsey Graham a Bro with No Ho.

"Exactly." countered Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Kirk would add balance to a lopsided Trump-for-President campaign. A candidate for President needs to acts presidential. So you find a suitable running mate to hurl gratuitous insults at your opponent. Can you name one attack dog any meaner than Mark Kirk?"

Your LakeCountyEye could not.

Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi was getting excited. "Mark Kirk would deliver Illinois to Trump on a silver platter. And after Trump is elected he sends Kirk to the Vice-President's home where everyone can forget about him. This is a no-brainer."

Your LakeCountyEye heard enough. Did Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice?

"Tell your operatives at the Republican Convention not to vote for anyone who hasn't drafted Mark Kirk to be his Vice President!"

Walshed Up?

His rise was meteoric and brief. When he spoke people turned to listen. And he parlayed his 15 minutes of fame into a lucrative radio job.

Does your LakeCountyEye mean Joe Walsh?

Haha, nope -- it's Ted Williams, that homeless guy with the golden voice:

Haha, j/k. Your LakeCountyEye, of course, refers to Lake County's Ex-Congressman Joe Walsh:

The McHenryCountyBlog observed that Walsh is endorsing conservative Don McConchie over Republican party insider Ed Sullivan Jr in State Rep District 51:

Don McConchie spekes to Saturday afternoon crowd at Joe Walsh's barn.
McConchie Rally at Walsh Barn

Does this signal that Joe Walsh has taken the role of king-maker -- or would he rather be king? Your LakeCountyEye asked Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Éminence Grise Professor at the College of Lake County.

"Ya," said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi "our Joe Walsh is the Donald Trump of Illinois politics. The man everyone loves to hate."

Mr Trump isn't doing too poorly this election cycle.

"Have you noticed?" chuckled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "I'll bet Mr Walsh has noticed. He would be a shoo-in if he ran in the Primary alongside Trump. Who's next after President on the Primary ballot ... Senator?"

Joe Walsh will run for US Senate?

"Just imagine Trump and Walsh topping the ballot in 2016." smiled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "There's your exploding oil-train wreck. They can't do anything about Trump -- but the Illinois GOP can keep Walsh off the ballot if Mark Kirk runs for re-election."

But what if US Senator Mark Kirk has plans to retire?

"Not a problem." replied Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Kirk gets re-nominated to the Senate, and then a month or two after the Primary he resigns. Says he wants to spend more time with his family. Or something to that effect."

If Kirk resigns from the ballot, does the GOP appoint a replacement?

"Exactly." grinned Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "And don't expect him to be Joe Walsh."

Who -- Robert Dold?

"Not likely." grimaced Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "The word on Dold is he can't win in a Presidential year."

Then Randy Hultgren?

"Ha ha." laughed Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi.

Your LakeCountyEye couldn't resist that joke.

"Mark Kirk always wins because the women vote for him." confided Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "The GOP needs someone good with the ladies, like Kirk."

Congressman Peter Roskam?

"Bingo!" shouted Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Despite being the face of the Party at war against women, women love to vote for Roskam. He hasn't had a close election since he ran against Tammy Duckworth."

Does that mean a Duckworth v Roskam rematch in 2016?  Too crazy!  Did Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice?

"Tell your operatives that the Illinois GOP is looking for someone to take-over for Peter Roskam in Congress. Be sure to send a photo!"

The Brohoho Over Mark Kirk

Q: Name three guests who were recently expunged from the Mark Kirk Christmas party list?

A: Ho, Ho, Ho

HaHaHa, congenital Lake County US Senator Mark Kirk was heard this week talking trash on one of his homeboys:

A spokeswoman says Illinois' U.S. Sen. Mark Kirk has apologized after being caught on a hot mic using a word considered disparaging to women. Kirk called Republican senator and presidential candidate Lindsey Graham a "bro with no ho."
Kirk apologizes for calling Lindsey Graham 'bro with no ho'

The object of Kirk's reflection, Lindsey Graham, is an announced candidate for the office of US President. Washington insiders say Graham, who is unmarried, will have to beard the lion if he hopes to get to the White House without the benefit of a First Lady.

Sources tell your LakeCountyEye that the National Republican Senatorial Committee is all-in, and actively seeking a suitable companion for the footloose & fancy-free senior Senator from South Carolina:

      prohibited^[?]      Posted: 1 day ago

Confirmed Bachelor Seeks Ho

Elderly male seeks wifey bitch. Honey dimes only! Deuces, stangs, tweakers, babymommas, need not apply.

Send photo and resume to Lindsey Graham for President
Be sure to include a photo.

Please observe the utmost discretion. No 3rd party inquiries. You must be 18 or older.

• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

post id: heaterpoints      posted: 1 day ago      updated: an hour ago

craigslist

Senator Kirk, your LakeCountyEye learned, can stand-in as father of the bride.

Until then, look for your LakeCountyEye shooting fish in a barrel near you.

Unsafe at Any Speed

Your LakeCountyEye got a speeding ticket and totally missed the presser that US Senator Mark Kirk gave to the Peoria Journal Star:

I want to make sure we have elected people constantly looking at helping the African-American community. With this state and all of its resources, we could sponsor a whole new class of potential innovators like George Washington Carver and eventually have a class of African-American billionaires. That would really adjust income differentials and make the diversity and outcome of the state much better so that the black community is not the one we drive faster through.
Sen. Kirk offers his viewpoint
U.S. Sen. Mark Kirk sat down with the Journal Star for a wide-ranging interview.

Note to State Senator Jim Oberweis: With regard to the Amstutz Expressway that runs from Waukegan to North Chicago -- kindly raise the speed limit to 70mph.

That's all your LakeCountyEye has.  Please move along, cruising is not permitted here.

There Ought to be a Law Against That

As US Senators go, Mark Kirk is no Bob Menendez. He hasn't been indicted.

Haha, as readers of this blog will recall ...

100% Cotton?

a letter bearing Kirk's signature was sent to the Supreme Ayatollah of Iran, which some argue was treasonous and violated the Logan Act. So far the Lake County State's Attorney has declined to press charges against Kirk (who lives in Highland Park). A spokesman said that no DNA evidence was found on the letter.

Since then, Kirk wasted no time violating another law -- with a statement issued about last week's Iran nuclear deal:

"Neville Chamberlain got a better deal from Adolf Hitler," Kirk said in a written statement.
Mark Kirk likens Iran pact to a deal with Adolf Hitler

Legal scholars agree that Kirk's statement is a clear transgression of Godwin's Law:

In a public dispute of any sort, whoever mentions Hitler or the Nazis first automatically loses.

Is a pattern developing? A spokesman for the National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC) told your LakeCountyEye that they don't care if Kirk breaks any more laws -- and that they would just be happy to see Kirk break the Law of Diminishing Returns come November 2016.

100% Cotton?

Did Mark Kirk violate the Logan Act? Members of the Lake County Federal Crimes Task Force think he did. Deputies from the County Special Unit vowed to haul the US Senator down to the station and keep him there until he "sings like a choirgirl on the Sunday after prom."

Haha, j/k. But as readers of this blog are aware ...

Q the Eye/03.10.15

Mark Kirk signed the so-called Cotton Letter -- a threatening letter sent to the leaders of Iran -- arguably breaking Federal Law.

Kirk has been prolific when it comes to issuing tough-talking press releases about Iran:

Latest News | Mark Kirk | Senator for Illinois

Judging from the rhetoric, Kirk is a war-hawk who thinks Iran is a clear and present danger to the United States.

These Iran press releases were all sent to your LakeCountyEye's inbox -- with the exception of one: Kirk Statement on Cotton Letter Regarding Congress and Iran

To find this press release, you need to dig through Kirk's Senate website. It's all like Mark Kirk needed to acknowledge that he signed the letter, but he didn't want anyone to know.

The actual press release breaks no news. Anyone expecting observations regarding the legality of the Cotton letter, or why Kirk agreed to be a signatory, will be disappointed. The "statement" doesn't do much more than restate the content of the letter sent to the Ayatollahs in Iran:

In exchange for allowing Iran to maintain the capabilities to build nuclear weapons, the Administration promises to "comprehensively lift" as many as 14 Iran sanctions laws, many of which passed with bipartisan veto-proof majorities. There is no Constitutional authority granting a president unilateral power to repeal American law. Sanctions should not be weakened until Iran stops its nuclear weapons program, stops supporting and exporting terrorism, stops aggression against its neighbors, stops egregious human rights abuses, and stops threatening to annihilate Israel. A better deal, with bipartisan congressional backing, is the best insurance policy against a nuclear Iran, a destructive arms race, and war in the Middle East.
Kirk Statement on Cotton Letter Regarding Congress and Iran

This press-release (cum statement) addresses neither the criticism that the Cotton Letter has provoked, nor the fact that it bears Kirk's signature. Which only underscores both.

Note to Mark Kirk Ops: if Senator's goal is to cover up the gaffe, your secret is good with your LakeCountyEye.

Q the Eye/03.10.15

An Open Letter to the Leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran:

It has come to our attention while observing your nuclear negotiations with our government that you may not fully understand our constitutional system. Thus, we are writing to bring to your attention two features of our Constitution—the power to make binding international agreements and the different character of federal offices—which you should seriously consider as negotiations progress.

First, under our Constitution, while the president negotiates international agreements, Congress plays the significant role of ratifying them. In the case of a treaty, the Senate must ratify it by a two-thirds vote. A so-called congressional-executive agreement requires a majority vote in both the House and the Senate (which, because of procedural rules, effectively means a three-fifths vote in the Senate). Anything not approved by Congress is a mere executive agreement.

Second, the offices of our Constitution have different characteristics. For example, the president may serve only two 4-year terms, whereas senators may serve an unlimited number of 6-year terms. As applied today, for instance, President Obama will leave office in January 2017, while most of us will remain in office well beyond then—perhaps decades.

What these two constitutional provisions mean is that we will consider any agreement regarding your nuclear-weapons program that is not approved by the Congress as nothing more than an executive agreement between President Obama and Ayatollah Khamenei. The next president could revoke such an executive agreement with the stroke of a pen and future Congresses could modify the terms of the agreement at any time.

We hope this letter enriches your knowledge of our constitutional system and promotes mutual understanding and clarity as nuclear negotiations progress.

Sincerely,
Senator Mark Kirk, R-IL

Dear Senator Mark Kirk, R-IL,

Your LakeCountyEye is happy to post your open letter to the Mullahs of Iran.

This blog boasts a robust international readership from over 100 foreign countries -- which include spam-bots from Russia, China, North Korea as well as phishing scams from Nigeria. Rest assured your message will be received by the hard-line Iranian Ayatollahs, loud and clear.

It has come to your LakeCountyEye's attention, nonetheless, that the authors of this letter may have violated the Logan Act and could be prosecuted for treason. While such a turn of events may seem unlikely, it should be noted that the Senator as well as your LakeCountyEye are both residents of Lake County. Where the innocent are incarcerated as routinely as the guilty, irrespective of their culpability.

Just sayin!

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ... LakeCountyEye@gMail.com

The Global Optimum

Mark Kirk -- the only US Senator living in Lake County -- shot off his mouth last week. Kirk told a reporter at the E&E Daily that global warming isn't caused by greenhouse gas emissions. To prove it, he cited Greenland as evidence, stating that Greenland was green back in the day of Leif Erikson, which coincided with a period of exceptional planetary warmth known as the global optimum.

Kirk now is backpedaling from these comments. The Chicago Tribune reports that ...

After criticism from environmental groups, Sen. Mark Kirk said Thursday that climate change is real and human activity contributes to it.
Sen. Kirk clarifies view on climate change

Kirk did not backtrack on his claim that Greenland was green in the time of Lief Erikson, some 1,000 years ago -- during a period known as the global optimum, a time of climate warming. For the record, Greenland has been covered by an ice sheet for 110,000 years. Additionally, global optimum is not a term of climate science, and it is unknown what Kirk meant by it.

Your LakeCountyEye will keep you apprised as further developments warrant. Until then, Operatives are challenged to match-up the individuals pictured below with a recent quotation of theirs:

Quotable Notables: Who Said It?
Grandpa Simpson	"Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war."
Mark Kirk	"We had the previous warming period, which was called the global optimum, and the best way to talk about that is when Leif Erickson went west from his home, he discovered a landmass that he called Greenland, because it was," Kirk said after Senate Republicans' first weekly caucus lunch. "And that was called the global optimum, because the planet was much warmer. By calling Greenland 'green land,' we know that the climate has been changing pretty regularly within recorded memory."

Ultima Phule

Lake County US Senator and favorite son Mark Kirk may have changed the course of history this week. Kirk explained the facts behind global warming to the E&E News:

"We had the previous warming period, which was called the global optimum, and the best way to talk about that is when Leif Erickson went west from his home, he discovered a landmass that he called Greenland, because it was," Kirk said after Senate Republicans' first weekly caucus lunch. "And that was called the global optimum, because the planet was much warmer. By calling Greenland 'green land,' we know that the climate has been changing pretty regularly within recorded memory."
Kirk disavows climate change ahead of expected Senate vote

Your LakeCountyEye did some fact checking and learned that the Greenland ice sheet is actually 110,000 years old:

Greenland ice sheet

In comparison, if Leif Erickson (c. 970 – c. 1020) was alive today, he would be a sprightly 1045 years old:

Leif Erickson

As far as the global optimum goes, it's some mathematical thingy dealio:

In mathematics, a global optimum is a selection from a given domain which provides either the highest value (the global maximum) or lowest value (the global minimum), depending on the objective, when a specific function is applied.
Global optimum

How long has Mark Kirk been in Washington? He may be drinking the Kool-Aid. Or something.

Flip, Flop, Repeat

Not since the Jesse White Tumblers toured has your LakeCountyEye witnessed this much untethered flipflopping. At least not among politicians jockeying for a seat in the US Senate.

Operatives may recall that US Senate candidate Jim Oberweis sat out the last week of the March Primary at his Florida home. His opponent, Doug Truax, used the news leak to lampoon Oberweis -- according to the Sun-Times ...

in a mock postcard sending greetings from Florida that conjured images of a "Jimmy Buffet" Oberweis, slipping on flip flops and sipping pineapple concoctions poolside. Truax, 43, whose spokesman Dan Curry went to the emergency room after he was hit on the head with falling ice, called Oberweis arrogant and disconnected.
Jim Oberweis or Jimmy Buffett?

Long story short, Oberweis easily beat Truax in the Primary. (Also, Truax spokesman Dan Curry was not seriously injured.) But not long after the Primary, sitting US Senator Mark Kirk declined to campaign for fellow Republican Senate candidate Jim Oberweis. According to the Sun-Times ...

Sen. Mark Kirk, R-Ill., is ruling out campaigning for longshot GOP Illinois U.S. Senate nominee Jim Oberweis, saying Monday he would rather "protect" his relationship with Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., and not launch a "partisan jihad."
Kirk to "protect" Durbin relationship, not stump for Oberweis

That was then. But this -- in flipflop years -- is now. According to the Sun-Times ...

After distancing himself from GOP Senate nominee Jim Oberweis last month — and saying he wanted to "preserve" his relationship with Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., and not engage in a "partisan jihad" — Sen. Mark Kirk, R-Ill., in a switch said Wednesday he will campaign for Oberweis.
Why Kirk is now campaigning for Oberweis for U.S. Senate seat

Oberweis, understandably, should be tickled pink. His new spokesman, Dan Curry, was.  According to the Sun-Times ...

Oberweis' new spokesman Dan Curry said: "We welcome the support of any Illinoisian — elected official or otherwise — who joins us in bringing back jobs and prosperity to our state after so many years of decline."
Why Kirk is now campaigning for Oberweis for U.S. Senate seat

Note to ops: it's hard to keep a good man down. Despite being hit in the head with falling ice, it appears that Oberweis spokesman Dan Curry landed on his feet.

That's all your LakeCountyEye has, move along.

Rogen Operative

April 15 is just around the corner and your LakeCountyEye's tax accountant has some unwelcome news. The young man at Liberty Tax Service (the one dressed in a Statue of Liberty costume) said your LakeCountyEye will not be getting a tax refund this year. It turns out that relaying breaking news, investigating unreported scandals, and producing insightful news analyses, all for a free Internet blog, is not a sustainable long-term business model. Your LakeCountyEye did not know that.

Well if that's how the game is played, then LakeCountyEye is going to make like all the other local bloggers -- and from now on will just be reproducing unsolicited press releases, verbatim. Enjoy.

February 27, 2014
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Contact: Lorem Ipsum (202) 000-0000 Kirk, funnyman Seth Rogaine snap a selfie Show Biz Legend Appears on Capitol Hill to Promote Alzheimer's Telethon; Poses with Senator for Photo-Op WASHINGTON – U.S. Senator Mark Kirk (Ill-R) and top grossing comedian Seth Rogen were immortalized together today on the Senate floor. A photo circulating on Instagram and other with-it social media websites show the Senator, with a big smile for the camera, standing next to Rogen. Senator Kirk is standing on the right. Rogen is a matinee idol who starred in blockbuster comedy movies including The 40-Year-Old Unmarried Guy, Knocked Out and Caddyshack. The Oscar-nominated and Oscar-winning Rogen was in Washington to speak about Alzheimer's Disease before a mostly absent Senate committee. He urged the mostly absent Senators to earmark more research dollars. After being grilled by the Senate, the appreciative movie star Rogen Twittered: .@SenatorKirk pleasure meeting you. Why did you leave before my speech? Just curious. The Senator, whose whereabouts the the time were unknown, was not available for comment. ###
Chicago dolor sit amet consectetur adipisicing elit Phone: 312-000-0000	Springfield sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore Phone: 217-000-0000	Washington, DC Ut enim ad minim veniam quis nostrud ercitation Phone: 202-000-0000

Look for your LakeCountyEye, in drag, Lady Liberty style, just around the corner near you.

Q the Eye/05.29.12

Dear LakeCountyEye,

Anyone caught reading this blog might get the impression that politicians are a high-rolling crew of boodlers, grifters and other sundry fast-buck artists. But I've been working in politics since college and I'm still living in a room above my parent's garage. Where's mine?

Down & Out in Barrington Hills

Dear Politically Astute Destitute,

Just run for office. After you win, the lobbyists and the well-heeled and all the other special interests will be lined up to invite you to dinner or golf or a vacation cruise -- where you can evaluate the many different ways they can legally throw money at you.

Haha, j/k. Everyone knows you can run for office. And that you can even get elected. But, haha, who are you kidding, you'll never get elected. (Unless it's to some library board out in a semi-literate home schooling community.)

But take heart, even though you will never win an election, you don't need to. To get rich in politics, all you need to do is run for election. Just take the example of one successful career politician, US Senator Mark Kirk. According to the Chicago Tribune ...

Federal law allows a candidate to pay a spouse, relative or friend for campaign work. In fact, Kirk routinely discloses that he pays his mother a salary and said he paid his stepmother for an auto during the Senate campaign.
Kirk's ex-wife files FEC complaint questioning campaign payments

So, make like Senator Kirk. Set up a campaign committee and run for office -- the higher the better. (Your LakeCountyEye recommends US Senator or Lieutenant Governor.) Then when all those 5 and 6 digit campaign donations start rolling in, use the money to hire and pay generous salaries to your spouses, relatives and friends. Kirk was paying a salary to both his ex-wife and his girlfriend. At the same time! Arnold Schwarzenegger ain't got nothing on Illinois's junior Senator!

Do what the real "career" politicians do and run an incompetent crony-campaign, with a top-heavy staff of relatives and friends. And repeat the process every two years. The real losers are the candidates who win -- and then have to serve in office, during that off-year. All the while you'll be at dinner or playing golf or on a cruise, discussing your next campaign strategy.

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ... LakeCountyEye@gMail.com

Deconstructing the Rehabilitation Video

Mark Kirk, Illinois Senator from Lake County, had a stoke in January. His staff, this week, produced and distributed to the local & national MSM a video of his rehabilitation:

Senator Mark Kirk on his rehabilitation "walking program"

The video is mostly shots of the state-of-art rehabilitation technology at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, where Kirk is being treated. The News-Sun observed the video ...

shows him walking determinedly, if not easily, with a walker and on a treadmill with the help of a harness and a physical therapist. Some shots show him using parallel bars to support himself with his right hand. Kirk says he hopes "to climb the 45 steps that my staff counted from the parking lot to the Senate front door to fight for the people of Illinois." Though doctors warned Kirk may suffer permanent facial paralysis, his facial expressions appeared little changed from before he suffered the stroke. "I'm currently enrolled in a walking study for stroke patients," he says in the video. "It's described as an intensive program. One of the more interesting set-ups they had was a set of wraps around my legs with silver balls to be all recorded so a stick figure could be generated on the computer."
In video, Sen. Mark Kirk says he's anxious to get back to work

The video focuses exclusively on the rehabilitation of Kirk's motor functions. Conspicuously absent is mention of any cognitive rehabilitation efforts. Your LakeCountyEye assumes the omission indicates that Kirk's regimen did not require cognitive rehabilitation, and he is soon to resume his duties representing Illinois in Washington DC.

The News-Sun reports ...

Reprising his campaign refrain, Kirk says, "I can't wait to go back to work to vote to tax less, borrow less, and spend less to fix our economy."
In video, Sen. Mark Kirk says he’s anxious to get back to work

The Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago is funded in part by:

• National Institute on Disability and Rehabilitation Research
• National Institutes of Health
• National Science Foundation
• Centers for Disease Control & Prevention
• VA Office of Research & Development
  Research at RIC

These are all taxpayer-supported Federal agencies. Their generosity will enable Mark Kirk to return to the Senate and vote to tax less, borrow less, and spend less.

Cognitive ability is defined in part as the ability to reason with consistency. Your LakeCountyEye wishes the Senator a full and speedy recovery.

Statement on Senator Kirk's Medical Condition

From a Press Release from Mark Kirk's Office:

On Saturday, Senator Kirk checked himself into Lake Forest Hospital, where doctors discovered a carotid artery dissection in the right side of his neck. He was transferred to Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago, where further tests revealed that he had suffered an ischemic stroke. Early this morning the Senator underwent surgery to relieve swelling around his brain stemming from the stroke. The surgery was successful. Due to his young age, good health and the nature of the stroke, doctors are very confident in the Senator's recovery over the weeks ahead.

We wish the Senator a full and speedy recovery.

Smittened?

Whoever said politics is show business for ugly people never envisioned Mitt Romney. The front-runner in the GOP Presidential sweepstakes, Romney is blessed with the sort of preternatural male allure that one expects from their network news anchors and BVD models. In the imperishable words of the immortal Harry Caray ... there goes one good-lookin' player.

Of course Romney isn't the only GOP contender for the highest office in the land. Rick Perry from the Lone Star State has some of the rugged cowboy machismo that a Jake Gyllenhaal exudes on the silver screen but, in your LakeCountyEye's opinion, is no match when held up against a Romney's urbane & knowing je ne sais quoi.

Other Republican Presidential candidates include the toadish Newt Gingrich. As well as political queen bee, Michele Bachmann. There is someone's old grandpa, Ru Ron Paul. And a guy you never heard of so you'll have to Google him yourself, Rick Santorum.

Against a wooden field like this, Mitt Romney certainly has the leg up. Romney may not have a straight path to the White House ahead of him but he certainly has the muscle that, quite candidly, no one else can beat.

That said, it should come as no surprise that Illinois junior Senator Mark Kirk endorsed Mitt Romney this week:

Mark Kirk says Mitt Romney will boost GOP ticket in Illinois

Your LakeCountyEye does suspect however that Kirk was privy to confidential polling data before issuing his endorsement.

The Junior G-Man

Is it sweetest day or something? The Chicago Tribune yesterday sent an unabashed front-page valentine to Senator Mark Kirk:

U.S. Sen. Mark Kirk using gravitas of office to influence home-state politics, policy
He's restoring the traditional role of Illinois' junior senator, he says

Asked by the Tribune for some thoughts on the US Senate, Kirk took the opportunity to blow his own horn:

"It provides that the senator who is mainstream and can work with Republicans and Democrats, who is well-grounded in facts, figures and preparation with the administration, can move the whole Senate toward what is in your state's interest," he said.

Kirk may fancy himself as a modern-day boy-wonder Robin to Senator Dick Durbin's Batman:

"So it's been awhile since we've had a full dynamic duo, Republican and Democrat, senior working national and junior working local."

Is there any wonder the Tribune holds feelings such as these for Illinois's self-proclaimed junior Senator? If they still made those laminating machines, that brooding Kirk photo would now be in the LakeCountyEye wallet. Pensive, but steely-serious -- backlit and against a brick backdrop shot at a noirish angle -- Kirk is hands-down the James Dean of the US Senate. Your LakeCountyEye only wishes there were more photos like this to be had. Many more.

An open request to the Senator, and all Illinois elected officials: Blogging is a lonely avocation, please send your photos to ...

LakeCountyEye@gmail.com

Your LakeCountyEye has yet to meet the politician who can't resist casting an admiring eye toward the mirror, or an admiring camera lens. These might be grainy Blackberry photos, or candid shots from the gym, or just relaxing in the jacuzzi, your LakeCountyEye doesn't mind. Send photos to ...

LakeCountyEye@gmail.com

Utmost discretion is 100% guaranteed!

Double Vision™: The Three-peat

With nothing exciting lately to talk about around the precinct-office watercooler, bored operatives are turning in desperation to your LakeCountyEye for their daily diversion. To put it bluntly, they want more LakeCountyEye Double Vision™ mashups and they want them now.

As readers of this blog are bifariously aware ...

Double Vision™

a Double Vision™ is a hand-crafted & hilariously funny Internet Separated-at-Birth post appearing infrequently on this blog. But alas, at the moment the LakeCountyEye joke-box contains nothing but cricket chirrups -- and operatives hoping for a new Double Vision™ are going to have to wait.

But fret not. Your LakeCountyEye will divulge the secret of how-to construct a Double Vision™. Operatives can enjoy hours of DIY busy-time, building their own Internet Separated-at-Birth mashups on their government-issue computers.

Step #1: Screen-Cap Someone's Web Page

The first thing needed is a target image -- some person or issue of interest is recommended. News outlets are a good destination for material, Fox Chicago News, for instance, has some stories about the Zion Nuclear Plant. Now hijacking content from an Internet news operation is technically a violation of copyright law. Your LakeCountyEye recommends hot-linking an image that has already been hijacked by some other website. A good source of hijacked screen-caps are the free-for-all libertarians over at the McHenryCountyBlog:

Looking at Zion's Nuclear Power Plant

Step #2: Find a Funny Foil

Next, find a companion image that will make your target look silly. Your LakeCountyEye recommends Google Images, and searching on Homer Simpson. Homer is not only good for a sure-fire laugh, but there will be plenty to choose from. Sticklers for detail will point out that this, technically, is stealing as well. But -- and this is a bonus -- no one is likely to waste their time tarnishing the Simpons brand by going after some backwater blog with a cease-and-desist order.

Step 3#: Copy and Paste

Now the fun begins. Paste the two images together and, voila, instant jocularity!

Lawmakers Tour Zion Nuclear Plant

Footnote:

It's fairly obvious, of the three, Homer is meant to be Joe Walsh. How Mark Kirk & Robert Dold are supposed to line up against Lenny & Carl is anybody's guess.