Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Off-Year Infections

Win Friends and Influenza People The hazmat moon suits are flying off the shelves and they're not for Halloween. Lake County has Ebola fever. At least one prominent resident of Lake County has gotten rattled:
U.S. Sen. Mark Kirk has joined other Republicans in calling for a travel and visa ban on those attempting to travel to the U.S. from three Ebola-affected countries in Africa. Kirk contends the public isn't confident the Centers for Disease Control is ahead of the Ebola threat.
Kirk wants travel ban for 3 Ebola-affected nations
When widespread panic threatens to turn into total pandemonium your LakeCountyEye turns to the one person with the sobering facts, Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Viral Phenomena at the College of Lake County.

"Look at how I'm perspiring. Is it hot in here?" asked Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "I've been sealing the cracks in my fallout shelter. Cough -- pardon my dust. As to Ebola, you got nothing to worry about -- as long as you don't vote this year."

That last remark did not scan. As long as your LakeCountyEye did not vote?

"Ya." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Stay away from the voting booth and you will be fine. Diseases spread when strangers are in close contact. And where do more people get jammed closer together around this time of year?  Epidemiologists have determined that the voting booth has been ground zero for every pandemic since the Black Death."

Your LakeCountyEye was nonplussed. Really?

"Cross my heart and hope to die." chuckled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Our election judges and government employees are not happy at all. They want either hazardous duty pay or to see the election cancelled for the duration."

Your LakeCountyEye was all like: Shut Up!

"Neither alternative was judged practical." continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi.  "So officials forged a compromise. On election day they will monitor every voter and remove from the lines anyone not deemed safe, and put them into quarantine."

Quarantined -- for how long?

"For 21 days or until November 4th on 7:01PM. Whichever one comes first." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi.

Stunning revelations. Did Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice?

"Tell your ops that if they plan to vote in this election, they will need to bring some proof they haven't been in Africa."

Saturday, October 25, 2014

A Nod is as Good as a Wink to a Blind Endorsement

The LakeCountyEye Seal of Approval Your LakeCountyEye has learned that a general election will be held on November 4th. While technically speaking an off-brand-election, this one is still a real election -- where guys run for office and get elected and then go somewhere and do some other junk.

Well, if an election is scheduled soon, can the LakeCountyEye endorsements be far behind? Your LakeCountyEye thinks not.

Note to ops: It is still not too late to secure a coveted LakeCountyEye endorsement for your candidate. You know the drill. Just write out a contribution -- with the word Endorse Me! on the subject line -- and deposit it into your LakeCountyEye's PAC ...
A Lake County PAC in the Eye
The minute the check clears, a LakeCountyEye endorsement (suitable for framing) will appear, as if by magic, on this blog. What could be easier?

Sample nut grafs from past endorsements to satisfied candidates -- and suggested donations -- are shown here:
$100 : The Perfunctory Endorsement

"By any outward appearance, this candidate is ebola free."

"He gets the LakeCountyEye nod."

$1,000 : The Qualified Endorsement

"This candidate is not nearly as corrupt as his opponent."

"He gets the LakeCountyEye nod."

$10,000 : The Enthusiastic Endorsement

"All the smart money is going to this candidate."

"He gets the LakeCountyEye nod."

$100,000 : The Gubernatorial Special

"Anyone not voting for this candidate will have a fatal accident."

"He gets the LakeCountyEye nod."
Do not delay. Offer expires Tuesday, November 4, 7pm.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

A Cockamamie Moment

pie gaffe Joe Biden came to Lake County. The News-Sun was waiting for him:
Vice President Joe Biden will show up Wednesday for a political speech in Vernon Hills. It could be dull. After all, it's just two weeks before the midterm national elections, and Biden can be expected to carry the Democratic Party flag and jab at Republicans. Nothing scintillating about that. On the other hand, maybe this will be one of those "Biden Being Biden" moments
Opinion: Maybe we’ll get to see Biden being Biden
The Vice President did not disappoint. Biden was caught cussing and the News-Sun was all over it like ketchup on a Happy Meal:
Criticizing Republican plans to turn Medicare into a voucher system and cut funding for education and other programs, Biden condemned the GOP's budget proposals. "Show me your budget and I'll show you your values." he said, before going into attack mode. "These guys believe it. These guys mean what they say. As cockamamie as it sounds, they believe it."
Biden denounces 'cockamamie' Republican values at Vernon Hills rally
Haha, the Vice President said cockamamie.

Question to ops: Is there a worse feeling than when the boss wanders too close to an open mic and utters some barnyard epithet? Your LakeCountyEye does not think so.

In the Vice President's defense, the word cockamamie is technically not a swear word -- but your LakeCountyEye is reluctant to call down the News-Sun. C'mon, who knows what cockamamie means, anyways? Not likely the News-Sun.

Your LakeCountyEye, however, does -- and has compiled a number of suitable substitutes for the word cockamamie. If you are one who needs to express inner feelings out in public, be sure to memorize all 10 of these:
Ten Genteel Euphemisms for the Word
Suitable for Polite Company
  1. Shit for Brains
  2. Off the Canadian National Rails
  3. Not Dressed for Concealed Carry
  4. In Low Orbit Around a Lake County Traffic Circle
  5. Riding the Goliath Without a Helmet
  6. Two Buffalo Wings Less Than a Backyard Chicken
  7. Chumbolone
  8. One Story Short a Waukegan Court Tower
  9. Bhatschidtkhrazzi
  10. $2.89 Billion Shy a Route 53 Extension
Look for your LakeCountyEye gaffing out loud near you.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Imaginary Numbers

politics is a numbers game If money is the mother's milk of politics then the Illinois GOP must be the well-oiled breast pump. At least according to the Daily Herald:
With the election 20 days away and in-person early voting starting Monday, tallies of campaign spending reveal where the toughest legislative battles are being waged in the suburbs. Five Illinois House contests we looked at drew donations of more than $200,000 in the third quarter of the year.
GOP puts big money into 5 suburban races
The Herald examined five IL House races and concluded that Illinois Republicans were spending some big money. Just how much money is big money? Your LakeCountyEye loaded the Daily Herald numbers into a spreadsheet to find out:
ContestRepublicanRaisedDemocrat RaisedAdvantage
IL 61st HouseSheri Jesiel$228KLoren Karner$414K$186K +D
IL 45th HouseChristine Winger$245KJenny Burke$293K$48K +D
IL 55th HouseMel Thillens$124KMarty Moylan$370K$246K +D
IL 62nd HouseRod Drobinski$36KSam Yingling$238K$202K +D
IL 59th HouseLeslie Munger$61KCarol Sente$179K$118K +D
TOTALRepublicans$694KDemocrats$1,494K$800K +D
Source: GOP puts big money into 5 suburban races
As operatives can plainly see, it doesn't look good for the Democrats, at least in the burbs. Out of 5 different State Rep contests -- hand-picked for analysis by the Daily Herald -- the Republicans are outfunded in only 5 of them. And overall they lag behind the Democrats by an insignificant $800,000. The Herald was right on the money!

When the Daily Herald sees the GOP pouring big money into suburban IL House races, your LakeCountyEye listens. Note to ops: if you work for one of those overfunded Democratic opponents, do yourself a favor and cut your losses. Quit now.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Fortunes and Misfortunes of the Famous Mollie Netcher

You heard it here first: No longer is Facebook simply the province of nonagenarians and minimum security prisoners. Your LakeCountyEye is on Facebook now, somewhere or other, and already has a friend. Your LakeCountyEye's new BFF is Mollie Netcher.

Here is a screencap of Ms. Netcher's Facebook page:

Mollie Netcher
Mollie Netcher, according to Facebook, is ...
  • Born: September 28, 1932
  • Hometown: New York, New York
  • Current City: Highland Park, Illinois
  • Likes: The Art Institute of Chicago
And Mollie shared a photo on Facebook:

Mollie Netcher
If your LakeCountyEye wasn't in love already, her Wikipedia entry sealed the deal:
Mollie Wilmot (born Mollie Netcher (died September 17, 2002), Chicago, Illinois) was a philanthropist and socialite. Wilmot spent her formative years in Europe where she studied art and achieved fluency in French. She graduated from the rigorous Foxcroft School.
Mollie Wilmot
Your LakeCountyEye not only has a Facebook friend who merits a Wikipedia page, but one that has been dead for 12 years. How cool is that?

If there was any doubt that this is the one and the same Mollie Netcher, Wikipedia says ...
Wilmot soared to prominence in 1984 the day after Thanksgiving when a 197-foot freighter, MV Mercedes I, carrying ten Venezuelan sailors crashed into the seawall of her oceanfront Palm Beach mansion. She served the sailors sandwiches and freshly brewed coffee in her gazebo, offered martinis to journalists and photographers, and granted the stranded Venezuelans access to her pool cabana.
Mollie Wilmot
Your LakeCountyEye made a closeup of the quite becoming Ms. Mollie Netcher, posed against the aforementioned love boat -- the MV Mercedes I:

Beached freighter made headlines, but Disney didn’t make 'Palm Beached' into a movie
For the record, a LakeCountyEye martini is braced with Hendrick's Gin. And a cucumber slice.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Feel Like a Million?

... tick ... tick ... tick ... No two ways about it, there is big money in oil. According to the Daily Herald ...
the state's motor fuel tax law grants counties with more than 1 million residents a significant percentage of the more than $1 billion in annual revenue generated by the tax. In 2013, that amounted to more than $91 million for Cook County. When DuPage County hits that magic number -- projected to happen as soon as 2019, according to estimates from the Illinois Department of Commerce and Economic Opportunity and the Chicago Metropolitan Agency for Planning -- DuPage County would get half of what Cook County normally gets.
Griffin: How DuPage County population growth could hurt Cook County
Should Lake County be concerned? To find out, your LakeCountyEye asked Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Reproductive Studies at the College of Lake County.

"45 million bucks is a lot of dough. It could pay off a Route 53 Extension in no time. That much gas tax money would erase a $2.89 billion debt in only 64 years." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Ya, Lake County is very interested."

Your LakeCountyEye was confused. Wasn't DuPage County in line for the tax windfall once their population hit one million?

"Not if Lake County gets there first." smiled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "One million is not a lot of people."

That did not add up for your LakeCountyEye.

"Sure it does." chuckled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "The population is already at 700,000. Lake County just needs to merge with another County that has 300,000 people. And McHenry County is right next door."

Your LakeCountyEye almost dropped the pumpkin latte. McHenry County?

"Don't worry." grinned Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "That deal fell through. McHenry County wanted to earmark the $45 million for farm subsidies."

Your LakeCountyEye was relieved.

"There's more than one way to hit the magic million mark." continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Build free Section 8 housing for 300,000 people."

Your LakeCountyEye did not think many people would abide by that.

"Or order the CLCJAWA to spike their water with Viagra."

That was hard for your LakeCountyEye to conceive.

"Or even make like Vladimir Putin and annex the Kenosha / Racine corridor."

Your LakeCountyEye heard enough. Was there any parting advice?

"Tell your operatives," said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "not to complain about the lines at the Goliath rollercoaster. Not yet, at least."

Friday, October 10, 2014

This Hall is Available

The Stanley CupThe Village of Mundelein has seized the bleeding edge of municipal governance. In an era when brick-and-mortar businesses are vanishing faster than the dinosaurs, Mundelein has shuttered its brick-and-mortar city hall. The city hall doors are locked and all Mundelein city business, henceforth, is being conducted in the cloud -- via a proprietary amalgam of Skype, Google Docs, a peer-to-peer botnet and dedicated IRC chatroom. Anyone with an iPhone 6 now has no excuse for being AWOL to the next Mundelein Village Board meeting!

Haha, j/k.

The Village of Mundelein now conducts business in a new city hall, located somewhere in the the Village of Mundelein.  And while not like decommissioning a battleship or deconsecrating a church, strict regulations and requirements do have to be met before Mundelein's old city hall building can go off-line. According to the News-Sun ...
A survey will soon go public asking Mundelein residents for help in deciding what happen to the 85-year-old building that was formerly Village Hall.
Community ideas sought for future of old Mundelein Village Hall
If Politicians and old buildings all get respectable if they last long enough, can your LakeCountyEye be far behind? Operatives are advised to keep an eye peeled in Mundelein for your LakeCountyEye, walking the streets. And have ready your suggestions for repurposing the old Mundelein village hall. All 10 of them:
Ten New Uses for the Old Mundelein Village Hall
  1. Halloween Haunted House
  2. Same Sex Marriage Chapel
  3. Drive-Thru Medical Marijuana Dispensary
  4. Lake County Election Commission World Headquarters
  5. Route 53 Extension Rest Area
  6. The Park City Casino
  7. The New Lake County Court Tower
  8. Canadian National Railway Layover Terminal
  9. Old Politicians Retirement Home
  10. Walmart
Look for your LakeCountyEye, not fighting city hall near you.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Between You & Me & the Fencepost

If Google is your friend, can the Daily Herald be far behind? Despite showing up on your doorstep every morning, the Daily Herald also wants to be your BFF:
We're doing several things at the Daily Herald this week to help put a spotlight on all the ways we use technology to talk to each other. And, because talking to each other should be easy, we're going add a few things to make it more fun.
Daily Herald and readers: We're in this news business together
Now's your chance to sync up with the Herald on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. These are only some of fun things they have added to beef up their online presence -- for a complete rundown, follow the story link below. It's underneath the actual unretouched screencap of the actual unretouched Daily Herald story:

Daily Herald and readers: We're in this news business together
No doubt about it, talking to each other should be easy. Along with those fun additions, the Herald should consider some fun subtractions, starting with the paywall.

That's all your LakeCountyEye has. Please do not block the view of the paying customers.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Rules for Radicals

Stop me if you heard this one before.  Knock Knock ... October in Lake County is when strangely dressed people will knock on your door and threaten mayhem unless you reward them with a sweet confection. Halloween trick or treaters? Nope, campaign canvassers.

Haha, your LakeCountyEye loves that joke. It seems however that no one loves campaign canvassers. The Sun-Times observed that ...
While people are bombarded with campaign commercials each time they turn on the television, some local political leaders are getting a different story as they knock on their neighbors' doors to have conversations about the upcoming election. Republican and Democratic grassroots leaders are sensing community anger and discontent as they fan out across Lake Forest, Deerfield and Highland Park in advance of the Nov. 4 election. "Everybody's angry and fed up with the negative commercials," Moraine Township Republican Chair Lou Atsaves of Lake Forest said.
Local political leaders sense anger preceeding November election
Not to be a buzzkill, but your LakeCountyEye senses otherwise. Operatives report that overall everybody's been quite nice, and the electorate is no more riled up than usual. Note to ops: if you are received poorly at the door, the problem may not the message but the messenger. Just sayin!

Candidates who send people door-to-door should recognize that there are standards of decorum and, if adhered to, their volunteers could be the margin of victory.  Simply observe these 10 rules and you will walk away from that next house not only with a yardsign in the lawn but a Double-Decker MoonPie in your sack!
Ten Rules of Conduct for Campaign Door Knockers
  1. Wear pants.
        Speedos or pajama bottoms are unseemly.

  2. Keep your concealed carry concealed.

  3. No Smoking:
    • Tobacco
    • Marijuana

  4. Do not hypnotize the backyard chickens.

  5. Skip Chief Keef's House.

  6. Do not play Shave and a Haircut Two Bits.
        That knocker is not a musical instrument.

  7. It is illegal to trade your iPhone 6 for their vote.

  8. It is not illegal to trade your vote for their iPhone 6.

  9. Do not say: "One last survey question: What's for lunch?"

  10. No shirt, no shoes? Stay off the lawn.
Look for your LakeCountyEye on a stoop near you.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Ballot Secrets

Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues. Your LakeCountyEye observes that there are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand math, and those who get into politics.

Haha, appearances to the contrary, mathematical know-how is essential to success in the political arena. Operatives will be asked to count votes, identify precincts by number, punch a phone number into a robo-dialer, and more. Anyone deficient in these basic skills should immediately get over to the College of Lake County, and sign up for Arithmetic One-Zero-One. Or enroll in a comparable on-line 3rd grade math course. You will not regret it.

Math is also useful when it comes to cracking coded messages. Lake County Clerk Willard Helander told the Daily Herald that her office has been inundated with a record-busting number of requests for absentee ballots:
The possible reason, Helander says, is the nationally watched battle for Congress between Democratic U.S. Rep. Brad Schneider of Deerfield and Republican challenger Bob Dold of Kenilworth in the north suburban 10th District. Both sides are scurrying for votes and trying to take advantage of the law allowing people to vote by mail without having to explain why they can't vote on Election Day.
Riopell: North suburban race for Congress drives ballot requests
Helander divulged a whopping 17,309 requests for ballots. Operatives should immediately recognize this as a coded message, and decipherable by anyone with sufficient math skills. Political cognoscenti will count up the number of absentee ballots requested by their campaign, and subtract that from 17,309. The answer will be the number of absentee ballots requested by their opponent:
17309 - Your Absentee Ballots = Their Absentee Ballots
This resulting number is a campaign secret closely guarded by campaign operatives. You know who you are.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

DoS and Don'ts

Being Lake County's #1 political blog means your LakeCountyEye can count on a dozen or two or three pageviews every day -- rain or shine. So when the stat-counter clocked more than 2,300 pageviews on Sunday, your LakeCountyEye took notice:

Your LakeCountyEye was once asked by Mae West ...
"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
Note to ops:  Was that a DDoS attack? Or are you just happy to see your LakeCountyEye?