Sunday, June 28, 2015

Not Exactly Gay About Marriage

Traditionally June is the month for marriage rulings from the Supreme Court. June also marks the end of the school year, and your LakeCountyEye has a pop quiz. Operatives are challenged to guess which of these actual headlines (for this week's Supreme Court gay marriage ruling) was seen in the Daily Herald:
Supreme Court extends gay marriage nationwide
Supreme Court ends bans nationwide on same-sex marriage, recognition
McHenry County residents react to Supreme Court's gay marriage ruling
Sharp language from justices on gay marriage decision
If you checked the last headline give yourself a pat on the behind. While most local newspapers chose to trumpet the historic Supreme Court decision, the old gray lady -- the Daily Herald -- seemed none too pleased.

While your LakeCountyEye has not actually read the story, the Herald's headline says all you need to know:
Sharp language from justices on gay marriage decision
Your LakeCountyEye assumes the dissenting Court justices issued a firm tongue lashing, or some junk.

One Daily Herald reporter told your LakeCountyEye: "There aren't any more eligible bachelors as it is. And now they can all marry each other? Give me a break!" On top of that, it is feared that the only marriageable men remaining soon will be the Illinois GOP caucus of confirmed bachelor legislators. The aforementioned bro's with no ho's were unavailable for comment.

Friday, June 26, 2015

A Confederacy of Dukes

little duke's coupe In Lake County the word on the street is ... the South Will Rise Again. And they aren't talking about the sales tax in Cook County.

According to the News-Sun, the latest confirmed siting of a Confederate flag is in the Village of Volo:
The director of the Volo Auto Museum said he's committed to keeping one of the original General Lee cars from the television show "The Dukes of Hazzard" on display, despite the fact that it sports a hand-painted Confederate flag on its roof.
Volo museum to keep 'Hazzard' car with Confederate flag on display
Readers of this blog may recall ...
that David McSweeney sponsored a Bill in Springfield to remove the Confederate Flag from the South Carolina state Capitol. McSweeney probably did not risk offending his constituents, because his Representative district is about 850 miles from Columbia, South Carolina. For purposes of comparison, his district is about 3 miles from the Village of Volo.

Your LakeCountyEye was informed today that South Carolina passed a Bill to take down the Confederate Flag in the Volo Auto Museum. Boss Hogg was unavailable for comment.

Monday, June 22, 2015


Ich bin ein Gipper With the Illinois legislative session nearly over, and with the people's work done, most legislators will be heading home to lower expectations. According to the Daily Herald, however, one suburban legislator wants to lower a flag as well ...
Illinois lawmakers entered the debate over the Confederate flag when a suburban Republican Monday formally called for South Carolina leaders to remove it from that state's Capitol grounds. State Rep. David McSweeney, a Barrington Hills Republican, filed a resolution in Springfield that wouldn't carry legal weight but was intended to convey lawmakers' opinion.
Suburban Republican: South Carolina should take down Confederate flag
What is Representative McSweeney's next challenge, if he is successful in getting the Confederate flag removed from the South Carolina state Capitol? Your LakeCountyEye has learned there is already a bill in committee to lower the Sky Trek Tower at Six Flags Great America:
Riders were stuck on the "Sky Trek Tower" ride for more than two hours Sunday at Six Flags Great America in north suburban Gurnee. Passengers told NBC Chicago they had made it to the top of the nearly 30-story ride when it got stuck.
Riders Stuck on Six Flags' "Sky Trek Tower" for More Than 2 Hours
No word yet on whether there will be a bill to turnaround recall Governor Rauner. Your LakeCountyEye will keep you apprised when further developments warrant.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Q the Eye/06.20.15

Dear LakeCountyEye,

I take umbrage against your recent diatribe against McHenry County gun owners and 2nd Amendment patriots. It was simply false to assert that McHenry County hospitals are reporting a pandemic of self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the leg.

When you wrote in A Leg Up that "McHenry County is populated by erstwhile bipedal unidexters with a knack for shooting off their feet", nothing could be further from the truth. Speaking as a McHenry County native and life-long gun owner, I can state with certainty that I do not lack any appendages below my belt-line. And I assure you, as an eyewitness, that this is true of every McHenry County gun owner in my acquaintance.

If anyone is a "one-legged human pogo-stick with an itchy trigger-finger" those would have to be the people of Lake County. And I can prove it.

The Illinois State Police have issued 3,142 concealed carry permits to McHenry County gun owners. With a population of 307,283, that works out to about 1 permit for every 100 McHenry County residents.

But Lake County on the other hand, with a population of 705,186, has received 5,179 concealed carry permits. Mathematically, it means that for every 100 Lake County residents, 0.7 of those have a concealed carry permit.

You read that correctly, each concealed carry permit in Lake County is held by zero-point-seven, or seven tenths of a person. Is that even possible? It absolutely is, if that means those people are all missing appendages.

I submit to you that it is gun owners of Lake County who are shooting off their feet, and not the crack marksmen of McHenry County.

And I demand an immediate retraction!

I Second That Amendment
Dear Second Banana,Ὥρος Hōros

Your LakeCountyEye stands corrected.

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ...

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

High Volume Turnaround Agenda

Mark your calendars, Christmas in July arrived a month early this year. When then-candidate Bruce Rauner promised the voters a lump-sum cash distribution if they elected him Governor, frankly, your LakeCountyEye was skeptical. But now-Governor Bruce Rauner is apparently making good on that promise.

Your LakeCountyEye has learned that the Bruce Rauner Turnaround Agenda® is doling out substantial gratuities to help give the stagnant Illinois economy a Reboot® to the rear. Some lucky Lake County residents have already received their checks from Citizens for Rauner, Inc:

And it's not just Lake County residents who benefit from the Governor's largess:

If you have not received your dividend check yet, then visit your nearest Citizens for Rauner, Inc branch office. Tell the minimum-wage clerk there that you you are eager to help goose-start the Illinois economy, and would like your check deposited in your PAC right away.

Do not delay. This offer may be voided without notice, pending review of the RICO statutes.

A final note:  When the minimum-wage clerk asks for your preference, request the $8000 check and not the $4000 check.  If you are like your LakeCountyEye you will not regret it.

Friday, June 12, 2015

The Brohoho Over Mark Kirk

Crosby & Hope Q: Name three guests who were recently expunged from the Mark Kirk Christmas party list?

A: Ho, Ho, Ho

HaHaHa, congenital Lake County US Senator Mark Kirk was heard this week talking trash on one of his homeboys:
A spokeswoman says Illinois' U.S. Sen. Mark Kirk has apologized after being caught on a hot mic using a word considered disparaging to women. Kirk called Republican senator and presidential candidate Lindsey Graham a "bro with no ho."
Kirk apologizes for calling Lindsey Graham 'bro with no ho'
The object of Kirk's reflection, Lindsey Graham, is an announced candidate for the office of US President. Washington insiders say Graham, who is unmarried, will have to beard the lion if he hopes to get to the White House without the benefit of a First Lady.

Sources tell your LakeCountyEye that the National Republican Senatorial Committee is all-in, and actively seeking a suitable companion for the footloose & fancy-free senior Senator from South Carolina:
      prohibited[?]      Posted: 1 day ago

Confirmed Bachelor Seeks Ho

Elderly male seeks wifey bitch. Honey dimes only! Deuces, stangs, tweakers, babymommas, need not apply.

Send photo and resume to Lindsey Graham for President
Be sure to include a photo.

Please observe the utmost discretion. No 3rd party inquiries. You must be 18 or older.
  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
post id: heaterpoints      posted: 1 day ago      updated: an hour ago
Senator Kirk, your LakeCountyEye learned, can stand-in as father of the bride.

Until then, look for your LakeCountyEye shooting fish in a barrel near you.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Hastert Highway Revisited

He's back and he's broke. Dennis "I'm Broke & Back" Hastert was in the news again, this time pleading not guilty to Federal banking charges -- charges (as incorrectly reported on this blog) totally unrelated to check kiting.

If Hastert did have a wad of hush money salted away in a secret bank account, the $3,500,000 must have evaporated -- because the former Yorkville wrestling coach had to bum a ride to his arraignment in a borrowed Lincoln:
Hastert's long-awaited day in court began about 9:30 a.m. Tuesday, when he was spotted by reporters leaving his sprawling estate in far west suburban Plano in the hired black Lincoln.
Dennis Hastert pleads not guilty amid claims of hush money, lying to FBI
Rumors of Hastert's wealth, your LakeCountyEye has learned, are greatly exaggerated. Any doubts of Hastert's beggary will be immediately dispelled by the News-Sun, which revealed that Hastert, in fact, drives an old used car:

A classic car once owned by former House Speaker Dennis Hastert will be removed Friday from an I-90 tollway oasis display between Rockford and Marengo.
Auto museum to remove Dennis Hastert car from tollway display
The story goes on to say that Hastert's buggy is now in the hands of the repo man. You can help Hastert out of these hard times by donating to the Dennis Hastert Legal Defense Fund. Please limit donations to $10,000, in small denomination bills.

Monday, June 8, 2015

The Rauner Turnbuckle Agenda

Is wrestling fake? The Governor Bruce Rauner Turnaround Agenda® is coming to the Lake County schools. Lake County will be participating in a pilot program aimed at eliminating the State budget deficit by reducing education costs. Beginning with the 2015-16 school year, Lake County schools will be required to include wrestling instruction in their common-core curricula, for all grades K thru 12.

It recently came to the attention of the Governor's office that former Yorkville wrestling coach Dennis Hastert had not only retired comfortably, but had enough discretionary income on hand to dole out $3,500,000 in hush money. Not a paltry sum, your LakeCountyEye has learned, even by Governor Rauner's standards.

According to the Governor's office, if that kind of money can be made on a wrestling coach's salary, then every public school teacher should be required to teach wrestling. And every public school teacher can expect to retire as comfortably well-off as Dennis Hastert.

One source told your LakeCountyEye: "This teacher pension system can be eliminated entirely. Teacher's unions will be eliminated as well -- because who with $3,500,000 in their secret bank account will ever want to go on strike?" No doubt about it, a win-win for everyone.

School-age children in Lake County have been asked to practice up on their noogies, wedgies & wet willies over the summer.

That's all your LakeCountyEye has. No biting, hitting below the belt, or head butting is allowed.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

The Hastert Highway

the original lolcat Governor Bruce Rauner, this week, killed the downstate Illiana Expressway. Opponents were able to scuttle the project, your LakeCountyEye has learned, by renaming the ill-fated tollway to the Dennis Hastert Memorial Highway.

Haha, in related news, the Governor appointed a bunch of suburban guys to the Toll Authority ...
Schillerstrom: Route 53 expansion could do great things for Lake County
It is not known whether or not the Governor appointed Individual A to the Toll Authority:
Who is 'Individual A'?
The person Hastert is said to have paid hasn't been identified, and is referred to in the indictment only as "Individual A."

Key questions about Dennis Hastert's scandalous indictment
One source did tell your LakeCountyEye: "Do the math. With weekly payments in $10,000 increments, we'll be able to pay off the Route 53 Extension in less than 6,000 years!"

That's all your LakeCountyEye has. And you can take that to the bank.