Sunday, December 29, 2013

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Repeat

And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper? Your LakeCountyEye learned a valuable lesson this week: do not dispose of that old Christmas tree by burning it, especially out on the front lawn. Instead, the recycle bin is the best place to discard a plastic and aluminum tree.

Haha, it's that time of year to ring out the old, ring in the new. Fittingly, as of January 1, recycling will be mandated for everyone in Lake County. Like it or not, according to the Daily Herald ...
While curbside recycling already is offered by waste haulers to many homes in unincorporated areas, a new county law requires it be provided universally as part of the trash service. "Now, you're going to get recycling whether you like it or not and you're going to pay for it," said Walter Willis, executive director of the Solid Waste Agency for Lake County.
Recycling coming to unincorporated Lake County
Your LakeCountyEye likes it not, preferring the tried and true: simply chuck those unwanted recyclables over the nearest Route 53 Extension noise barrier wall. Out of sight, out of mind!

Admittedly your LakeCountyEye has, in the past, made a withdrawal from a recycle bin. Or two. Or three. (Your political opponent's curbside trash is archaeological gold to any oppo researcher. Totally.) But your LakeCountyEye is not yet in the habit of using a recycling container to make a deposit.

Is it possible to teach an old dog new tricks? Time will tell. Until then, the LakeCountyEye recycle bin is already nearly filled to capacity. There may be room to squeeze in there maybe 10 more recycle-worthy discardables.
Ten Things to Expect in a Lake County Recycle Bin
  1. Walsh for Congress Yardsigns

  2. Medical Marijuana Seeds and Stems

  3. AR 15 Backyard Target Practice Shell Casings

  4. Copies of US Senate Nominating Petitions
    (IL, Republican)

  5. Dos Equis Empties
    Stay thirsty my friends!

  6. Leftover Daily Herald eEditions

  7. "No Electioneering Within 100 Feet"
    Property of the Lake County Election Commission

  8. Lead Slugs that Won't Go In the Video Gambling Machines

  9. Curran for Attorney General Yardsigns

  10. Depleted Tinfoil Hats
Look for your LakeCountyEye, dumpsterdiving near you.

Thursday, December 26, 2013


The News-Sun can boast some memorable headlines. Your LakeCountyEye recalls this classic from July of 2012 ...
Hard to swallow — heroin hidden in suspect's butt
A headline of that caliber deserves to be embroidered and hung on a wall. Happily, the good old reliable News-Sun has delivered again, this week, with ...

Rep. Schneider tauts new tech in town hall meeting
No doubt this headline counts as a mere also-ran. But that's because Tauts New Tech, technically speaking, is a spellaprop -- while Hard to Swallow answers the question of whether or not newspaper headline writers are permitted to ingest performance enhancing substances, during their lunch breaks.

A spellaprop occurs when a misspelled word defeats a spell-checker because it is the wrong word but spelled correctly. In "Rep. Schneider tauts new tech in town hall meeting", the word tauts functions as a verb but lexicographically is an adjective:
Taut \Taut\, adj. [Dan. t[ae]t; akin to E. tight. See Tight.]
1. Tight; stretched; not slack.
2. Snug; close; firm; secure.
It is hard to tell what the News-Sun headline writer had originally intended to say. Any of these qualify as a reasonable guess:
  • Toots
  • Texts
  • Torts
  • Tilts
  • Twits
  • Taints
  • Toasts
  • Taunts
  • Trouts
  • Twerks
A little bird, however, tells your LakeCountyEye that the intended word might have been TWEETS ...

I Taut I Taw A Puddy Tat
Look for your LakeCountyEye, tauting a performance enhancing substance near you.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

a gateway gunChristmas only comes once a year in Lake County. And if you are anything like your LakeCountyEye then, as the Holiday nears, visions of sugar-plums dance in your heads.

In Highland Park those sugar-plums may be doing the sabre-rattling dance. According to one News-Sun story, published on Christmas Eve ...
A Highland Park pediatrician and the Illinois State Rifle Association are challenging the constitutionality of the city of Highland Park's assault weapons ban which, they say, prohibits firearms commonly used for self-defense within the home. Arie S. Friedman and the rifle association are asking for an injunction to prevent enforcement of a law that assault weapons be turned in or rendered inoperable.
Lawsuit challenges Highland Park's assault weapons ban
While the Holiday Season may seem to be an unlikely time for a 2nd Amendment court battle, your LakeCountyEye has been told that an injunction is immediately needed now. One source (who sounded like a character straight out of a low-budget movie, similar to A Christmas Story) told your LakeCountyEye: "How many little boys and girls will have their Christmas ruined when they find, under the tree, a big bar of soap, or something even less palatable ... and not the AR-15 assault rifle that was promised by Santa?"

Tough questions indeed. Look for your LakeCountyEye in Highland Park, this Christmas. There promises to be fresh venison on the grill.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Highway of Dreams

Terra Nullius Lake County transportation planners all agree on two things. In the future automobiles will only be found in museums. And in the future they will still be trying to fund the Route 53 Extension.

Haha, the Lake County Division of Transportation's 2040 master plan does not anticipate phalanxes of motorists cruising up and down a Route 53 Extension. Instead, according to the News-Sun ...
"The big push here is to get people out of their cars," said Bruce Christensen, transportation coordinator. "There are people who would bike, if they had the facilities." But Christensen said the No. 1 item on their wish list is a gift from another agency: the state Route 53 extension from Lake Cook to Route 120 in the county's center, a project that the Illinois State Toll Highway Authority has discussed for decades. A new planning committee, of which Underwood is a member, is searching for ways to fund the idea that would include a bicycle path. But Christensen said he had seen plenty of such groups come and go. "I'm 67 years old, and they started reviewing the extension when I was in high school," he said.
Lake County 2040 transit plan steers away from cars
Translation: if you hold any hope of riding the Route 53 Extension in your lifetime, don't hold your breath.

The cost of the gold-plate super-highway is fast approaching $3 billion. The News-Sun says ...
Revised cost estimates for all 25 miles of a Route 53/120 extension in 2020 dollars now include a high-end figure of $2.87 billion, nearly $500 million more than a low-end estimate aired last year. New price ranges were revealed Tuesday, Dec. 3, at a finance committee meeting of the Route 53/120 Blue Ribbon Advisory Council (BRAC), the public/private panel that recommended construction of the roadway in June 2012.
New Illinois Route 53 roadwork estimates could reach $2.87 billion
One implausible contact from the Blue Ribbon Advisory Council told your LakeCountyEye that alternative funding sources are under consideration:
  • Cultivate medical marijuana on the median strip that divides the high-speed lanes.

  • Install video gambling machines in the toll booths.

  • License conceal carry owners to use highway signs for target practice.

  • Sell the Route 53 naming rights. Smirnoff, are you listening?
"Until we start getting some serious proposals," the contact told your LakeCountyEye "we might just as well hold a bake sale. By the way, our toll house cookies are second to none."

Please do not drop your cookies in a Route 53 toll basket.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

More Laws

legal apologetics They say laws are like sausages -- the best ones are all pork. Haha, a whole rash of new Illinois laws will arrive with the new year. And operatives are advised to take note.

To help sort through all the clauses, your LakeCountyEye consulted Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Legal Technicalities at the College of Lake County. Your LakeCountyEye met Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi at the Deer Park Mall, where he was dressed as Santa Claus.

"The new gay marriage law does not go into effect until 2014." he said. "Please get off my lap."

Your LakeCountyEye quickly apologized.

Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi explained why he was working as a mall Santa: "I need the money. Last month I threw a cigarette out of my car. That cost me $1,500!"

One new Illinois law will penalize anyone caught improperly disposing a cigarette. Your LakeCountyEye asked if he was fined for littering.

"Are you kidding?" replied Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Heck no. I dropped a medical marijuana cigarette."

Your LakeCountyEye quickly guessed that the lost blunt had an estimated street value of $1,500.

"Precisely." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "And just for the record I am privy to that information second-hand."

Your LakeCountyEye observed that medical marijuana will be legal in 2014.

"Ya, but don't go and change the bong water just yet." sighed Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Municipalities in Lake County are all passing ordinances to restrict the cultivation and distribution of cannabis."

That's harsh, thought your LakeCountyEye.

"Harsh to the extreme." agreed Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "But some clever entrepreneurs have already found a loophole in the restrictions. I won't name any names, but if you're at a Christmas tree lot, don't let the guy sell you a Scotch Pine or Colorado Blue Spruce. Ask instead for an Acapulco Gold."

Awesome, thought your LakeCountyEye.

"Word on the street," whispered Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "is that municipal tree-lighting ceremonies are breaking attendance records this year."

By now, the children in line to see Santa were getting impatient and cranky. Your LakeCountyEye asked if there were any other new laws that operatives should know about.

"Absolutely." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi.  "Your operatives will be able to carry a concealed weapon, in 2014. And just for the record, that was a gun in my pocket."

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Jingle Drone?

December is the time of the year when everyone in Lake County stops to pause and reflect. They search the heavens for some sign of an old and familiar emissary of largess & free gifts making his daily rounds.

Santa and his sleighful of eight tiny reindeer? Haha, good guess but dead wrong. Your LakeCountyEye, of course, refers to President Barack Obama riding a predator drone.

Chicago Tribune
Quite frankly, your LakeCountyEye thought the joke was funnier the first time around -- in Dr Strangelove ...
Fear not, you did not witness a nuclear double pulse.
This is another atom side splitting LakeCountyEye Double Vision™!
Your LakeCountyEye wonders if the Tribune Creepy Political Cartoonist™ has ever seen North by Northwest ...
Now, that is how the funny gets done, son -- just sayin!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Q the Eye/12.12.13

Dear LakeCountyEye,

How many petition signatures do I need to win the next election?

Fifty Percent Plus One
Dear Fiddy, Ὥρος Hōros

In Illinois? Zero. But you will need to knock all of your opponents off the ballot.

Haha, ever since an little known community organizer named Barack Obama got elected to the Senate by maneuvering Everett Dirksen off the ballot, the sure path to electoral supremacy has been the petition challenge.

With Illinois election law wound tighter than a $2 watch, anyone who knows which end of the yardsign goes in the ground can get their opponent thrown off the ballot. And your LakeCountyEye is not about to enumerate the various ways to engineer an election challenge (although there are in fact ten of them). Instead, the secret to a truly successful challenge is in delegating your petition challenge over to the appropriate frontman.

Nothing says triple-digit-percent election loss like a lone candidate who files a petition challenge on his own behalf:

It goes without saying, someone without any friends willing to challenge the opponent's petition is probably not going to do any better on election night.

Take it from your LakeCountyEye, this is the sort of dirty job that needs to be done by a frontman. And by frontman your LakeCountyEye means party hack.

Latest Objections Filed
The minute your objection is filed, your opponent will be telling the media that you are undemocratic, play dirty politics, and want to deprive the voters of their rightful ballot choice. But with a frontman doing all your dirtywork, you look those media guys square in the eye and tell them you don't know a thing about the objection against your challenger -- but you wish him well. And by frontman your LakeCountyEye means hatchetman.

So if you're the next Barack Obama destined for glory in the US Senate, make it your #1 priority to find some Party goon willing to take the fall for knocking all your opponents off the ballot.


And if you don't know the name of a willing stooge, just call. Your LakeCountyEye knows someone who works cheap!

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ...

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Remembering Sandy Hook on the First Anniversary

Lake/McHenry Organizing for Action will be hosting a Lake County event on gun violence.

Remembering Sandy Hook on the First Anniversary

Saturday, December 14, 2013 from 2:00 – 4:00 pm

Genesee and Clayton Streets, Waukegan

Lake/McHenry Organizing for Action (OFA) invites you join them in a public event:
Remembering Sandy Hook on the First Anniversary
Goals of the event are to remember the victims of Sandy Hook and local gun violence victims and to raise public awareness for Congressional action to pass common sense gun legislation and Universal Background Checks.
For more information, visit the website: Lake McHenry OFA

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Charm Offensive

The National Republican Congressional Committee is already girding its loins for the 2014 election, and women voters are targeted. Your LakeCountyEye is serious. According to POLITICO ...
Speaker John Boehner is serious, too. His own top aides met recently with Republican staff to discuss how lawmakers should talk to female constituents. "Let me put it this way, some of these guys have a lot to learn," said a Republican staffer who attended the session in Boehner's office.
GOP men tutored in running against women
One of those guys decidedly not with a lot to learn is Lake County's ladies man in Washington, Congressman Peter Roskam. Despite a record of voting for Bills that would handcuff women against making reproductive choices, obtaining affordable health care, and providing basic nutrition & educational services to their children, Roskam has always been able to count on the ladies of his district to provide him with a comfortable cushion of victory at the polls.

If you are one of those guys with a lot to learn -- and you know who you are -- you've come to the right place. For a LakeCountyEye exclusive, Peter Roskam has generously agreed to share some of his secrets and tips on how to win over those very special ladies:
Roskam's Rules for Charming Your Impressionable Women Voters
Be Complimentary
Remember the old saying: catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

You paid for those pearly whites -- show some of them!

Do Not Be Overbearing
They may be the weaker sex, but resist the temptation to take advantage of it.

Look Good
Before After

Show Your Passion
No one is going to name any names, Congressman Hultgren.
Tomorrow: Ex-Congressman Joe Walsh reminds you that fathers have rights, too.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Chrome Drones

Lake County cyber-shoppers are have been informed their Christmas deliveries will arrive late this year. The Amazon Drone was last seen stuck in the bug-zapper at the South Lake Mosquito Abatement District.

Haha, the Amazon Drone is some web-widget-thingy that uses to deliver their tax-free Panatelas, and whatnot, without incurring UPS costs. Your LakeCountyEye found a picture of the drone on the Internet:

Chicago Tribune
Sharp-eyed operatives will have immediately recognized the work of your LakeCountyEye's very own Creepy Tribune Cartoonist™. Sharper-eyed ops will notice the caption in the cartoon is wrong, and should suspect a printer's error. Here is the corrected caption:
Shouldn't Send 'Em Over McHenry County
For those doubting that a screwup of that caliber is even possible, here's the skinny:
You weren't just blindsighted by the glare.
Nope, this is another hilarious LakeCountyEye Double Vision™!
Note to ops: When in McHenry County, be vigilant for Bezos with guns.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Polls, Tolls and Rigamaroles

Christmas 2013 is out of the red and squarely in the green -- Black Friday was a jing-a-ling success in Lake County. Your LakeCountyEye, eyes always peeled for a bargain, laid some hands on a new Steely Dan ...

... album:
When Black Friday comes
I'll collect everything I'm owed
And before my friends find out
I'll be on the road.

Katy Lied
The road in question, of course, is the Route 53 Extension.

Haha, operatives still stuck in holiday traffic can pass the time by participating in the Route 53 Extension Project Feasibility Analysis Survey. The Daily Herald has the details ...
Do I want to pay $3.45 instead of 95 cents to travel from Arlington Heights to Libertyville 12 minutes faster? How about $2.95 rather than 95 cents to shave seven minutes off my commute? Or what about $1.20 for a savings of six minutes? My brain hurts after completing the Illinois tollway's online Route 53/120 project feasibility study.
Save time or money on extended Route 53?
You decide
Holiday cheer & feasibility surveys, no doubt, do not mix. Nonetheless, your LakeCountyEye -- who knows a thing or two about brain-freeze (especially in December) -- accepted the challenge, and went to the Illinois Tollway website:
Illinois Route 53/120 Project Feasibility Analysis Survey
Your LakeCountyEye can report that the Daily Herald was not exaggerating, this is one difficult survey, indeed:
The website looks to have been designed by the same team that did ObamaCare -- your LakeCountyEye was unable to get beyond the splash-page.

Truth be told, the Illinois Route 53/120 Project Feasibility Analysis Survey seems to be password protected. Surely somebody has the password.