Friday, February 28, 2014

Rogen Operative

April 15 is just around the corner and your LakeCountyEye's tax accountant has some unwelcome news. The young man at Liberty Tax Service (the one dressed in a Statue of Liberty costume) said your LakeCountyEye will not be getting a tax refund this year. It turns out that relaying breaking news, investigating unreported scandals, and producing insightful news analyses, all for a free Internet blog, is not a sustainable long-term business model. Your LakeCountyEye did not know that.

Well if that's how the game is played, then LakeCountyEye is going to make like all the other local bloggers -- and from now on will just be reproducing unsolicited press releases, verbatim. Enjoy.
February 27, 2014

Contact: Lorem Ipsum (202) 000-0000

Kirk, funnyman Seth Rogaine snap a selfie

Show Biz Legend Appears on Capitol Hill to Promote Alzheimer's Telethon; Poses with Senator for Photo-Op

WASHINGTON – U.S. Senator Mark Kirk (Ill-R) and top grossing comedian Seth Rogen were immortalized together today on the Senate floor. A photo circulating on Instagram and other with-it social media websites show the Senator, with a big smile for the camera, standing next to Rogen.

Senator Kirk is standing on the right.
Rogen is a matinee idol who starred in blockbuster comedy movies including The 40-Year-Old Unmarried Guy, Knocked Out and Caddyshack. The Oscar-nominated and Oscar-winning Rogen was in Washington to speak about Alzheimer's Disease before a mostly absent Senate committee. He urged the mostly absent Senators to earmark more research dollars.

After being grilled by the Senate, the appreciative movie star Rogen Twittered:
.@SenatorKirk pleasure meeting you. Why did you leave before my speech? Just curious.
The Senator, whose whereabouts the the time were unknown, was not available for comment.

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Phone: 312-000-0000
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incididunt ut labore
Phone: 217-000-0000
Washington, DC
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Phone: 202-000-0000
Look for your LakeCountyEye, in drag, Lady Liberty style, just around the corner near you.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014


Now that medical marijuana is legal in Illinois, it's no secret that your LakeCountyEye likes nothing better than to stay up all night & watch the Illinois Tollway traffic cameras:
Illinois Virtual Tollway
The Illinois Tollway website has real-time video feeds from cameras mounted at Chicago's busiest highways. Affectionately dubbed the Poor Man's NASCAR -- netizens can monitor the traffic conditions of their favorite area roads and, if lucky, witness some spectacular pile-ups.

The Tollway website currently provides video feeds at 15 different locations. That number might increase to 16, some time soon. The Daily Herald is saying that ...
The Route 14 underpass project designed to ease traffic along the CN Railway was approved by the Barrington village trustees Monday night.
Barrington approves Route 14 underpass project
Smart money says the State of Illinois wlll proceed with a monster 3-year project to build a railroad bridge over Route 14 in Barrington, to accommodate the distended & slug-like trains of the CN Railway. And your LakeCountyEye has exclusively learned that there will be Tollway cameras at the new Route 14 underpass.

It's no secret that there is one thing your LakeCountyEye likes better than to monitor Tollway traffic cameras: And that is to monitor CN Railroad trains on those Tollway traffic cameras. As luck would have it, your LakeCountyEye has hacked been granted exclusive access to the real-time feed from the Tollway camera mounted on US Route 14, at the location of the new CN railway underpass in Barrington:

The way to really fly!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Ballot Mix-Ups

dead-ender The Lake County Election Commission Lake County Clerk's Office has been burning the midnight oil at both ends, printing up extra paper ballots in anticipation of the upcoming March 18 Primary. With a mother lode of uncontested races this election cycle, Republicans are expected to jam the polls in record numbers to cast their ballots for Democratic candidates.

Haha, j/k. Point in fact, the county's Democrats are expected to stampede the polls and vote for Republican candidates.

Haha, j/k, yet again. Point in fact, Democrats are going to make like Election Day is Groundhog Day: when they wake up on March 18 and see that there are almost no contested Democratic races on the ballot, they will return to their burrows and stay away from the polls for six weeks.

The Daily Herald is not so sure, however, and asks ...
The compelling Republican primary race for governor continues to dwarf anything happening on the Democratic ballot on March 18, so the question naturally arises whether Democrats might take a break from their own party, pull a Republican ballot and get in on the GOP action. Will that really happen?
Will Democrats take Republican ballots March 18?
Nobody knows what will really happen because crossover voting is the electoral equivalent of Schrödinger's Cat: until the votes are actually opened and tabulated, these Democrats will have simultaneously cast ballots for both Parties!

Democrats sometimes try to justify crossover voting by pointing out that that every candidate on a Lake County Republican ballot is more than likely a RINO, anyways. The phenomenon is more widespread than one would expect. An anonymous election judge told your LakeCountyEye (on condition that he would not be identified as an anonymous election judge): "There's this one guy who comes in every year and he says 'Can I get a ballot for the Cocktail Party?' And I always say, 'Sure, do you want to show me a birth certificate?' And we both have a laugh. Anyhow, what is it that you call those people who vote for the opposite party?"

A good question. The experts are divided -- ten ways by your LakeCountyEye's count:
Ten Nicknames for Crossover Voting
  1. Double Dippers
  2. Ballot Buffeteers
  3. Poll Jumpers
  4. Three Ballot Monte (R,D,I)
  5. Absent Minded Voters
  6. Heter-oters
  7. Trans Body Politics
  8. The Double Crossover
  9. Indecisional Ballots
  10. Low Information Voters
Look for your LakeCountyEye counting voters near you.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Fremont Township GOP Committeemen
are Revolting

too close for comfortOn a scale of 1 to 10 it is not quite an uprising in Ukraine -- but the uprising among the Republican Committeemen of Fremont Township comes pretty close. The Daily Herald reports that ...
Longtime Fremont Township Assessor Ed Sullivan Jr. won't have the support of the township's Republican "foot soldiers" in his primary campaign to keep his state representative job.
Fremont Township GOP sides with challenger to veteran state legislator Ed Sullivan Jr.
Ed Sullivan Jr, the incumbent District 51 State Rep, could always rely on the support of his committeemen, in the past. It was a gimme -- Sullivan is also the Fremont Township Assessor. But that was back in the day. Haha, on Saturday those same committeemen voted to endorse Sullivan's opponent, Bob Bednar, to be their next Rep in 51.

Sullivan may have evolved into a legislator too liberal for the likings of his Republican brethren. Or it may be that Bob Bednar has rekindled the same magic that Joe Walsh had going, when he lit a fire in Lake County back in 2010.

Your LakeCountyEye notes that Bednar, as well as Sullivan's father, are Fremont Township Committeemen. This may or may not explain why Sullivan is now distancing himself from those same committeemen. He told the Daily Herald ...
"The majority of committeemen in Fremont Township represent the ultimate fringe of the Republican Party," Sullivan said Wednesday.
Fremont Township GOP sides with challenger to veteran state legislator Ed Sullivan Jr.
Your LakeCountyEye drove out to the ultimate fringe and found a putative Fremont Committeeman willing to speak on condition that he would not talk about gay marriage -- of which their surprise endorsement was totally not about. "Sullivan is a donkey in elephant's clothing." he said. "And I have the proof. When Sullivan was redistricted in 2010, he got put into a district that has 90% Republican voters. Why would [Illinois House Speaker Michael] Madigan give him a sweetheart gift like that, if he didn't want Sullivan in Springfield for another ten years?"

A question as difficult as it is hard. But your LakeCountyEye does know one thing. Do not sell your Sullivan stock short. And after the March 18 Primary expect a big broom to sweep through Fremont Township. And it won't be the Merry Maids.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Stay Abreast of the News

hootersvilleCourtesy the Barrington Courier-Review, here is the LakeCountyEye headlight headline of the week:
Police are now investigating eight thefts of bras and other undergarments from the South Barrington Victoria's Secret store.
Still not busted: Shoplifters steal more bras from Victoria's Secret
Unlike Port Barrington, there is a town South of Barrington called South Barrington. Among other things, South Barrington hosts a Victoria's Secret retail outlet, a feat matched in Lake County only by Deer Park. To date, thefts have not been reported at the Deer Park store. Your LakeCountyEye speculates that no self-respecting shoplifter would plan a job that required a getaway down Rand Road.

2nd Amendment advocates say a repeat crime like this will cease only when clerks at Victoria's Secret are granted permits to concealed carry. They also say it won't hurt to grant concealed carry permits to the waitstaff at Hooter's.

It is unknown what kinds of bras were boosted -- in particular, if the holdup netted any hold-up bras. And, in what may be a let-down to the thieves, your LakeCountyEye has been told that the black market is currently blousy lousy with hot bras. These stories can't all be uplifting.

Operatives are advised to move along, there is nothing more to see.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Who Said Patriotism is the Last Refuge of a Scoundrel?

Your LakeCountyEye would've liked to have been a fly on the wall last week at the Northern Illinois Patriot monthly meeting at Austin's Saloon. Not having any legs with sticky suction pads, however, your LakeCountyEye had to settle for the Daily Herald story:
A planned q-and-a session Tuesday night with the two Republican candidates for Lake County treasurer changed locations and formats. GOP hopefuls Jeri Atleson and David Stolman were supposed to speak with potential voters at the local party office in Libertyville. Shortly before the event was set to begin, however, the location shifted to the Fuel Room at Austin's Saloon & Steakhouse, a restaurant just down the street. There, a Republican candidate forum organized by a conservative group called the Northern Illinois Patriots already was underway.
Lake County candidate forum changes venue, format
David Stolman is an attorney and a Lake County Commissioner. Jeri Atleson is an accountant and sits on the Fremont Township board. Both want to be the next Lake County Treasurer.

This may explain why both agreed to rub elbows with the Northern Illinois Patriots -- but it does not answer the question: Who are the Northern Illinois Patriots?

The Patriots have their own website, which looks like this ...

Northern Illinois Patriots
The Patriots's website has information like links to the Family Research Council and the 9/12 Project. Their website has a blog; here is a sample of their work:
While the First Amendment disallows the establishment of a government religion, government has become the new religion and our President the new God. The President has said we are not a Christian nation.
Establishment of Religion

His is figuratively burning down our institutions and our values, remaking them in accordance with his grand vision of a new nation. He is attacking and blaming Christianity proclaiming we are not a Christian nation. Through forcible mandates in health care reform he is forcing Christians to act contrary their beliefs. Like Nero, in his insatiable thirst for power and control, President Obama will one day have the people turn and him and render him powerless.
Quo Vadis
During the meet-and-greet at Austin's, the Northern Illinois Patriots were asking some comically inapt questions. The Daily Herald observed that ...
neither Atleson nor Stolman was asked questions specific to the treasurers' race. Instead, they and the other candidates spoke about their motivations for running, and then the audience asked questions about the long-proposed extension of Route 53 into Lake County, the state's new concealed carry law, term limits and other issues. As the treasurer's office is responsible for sending out tax bills and investing county revenue, Stolman and Atleson had little to say about most of the topics broached.
Lake County candidate forum changes venue, format
It's a truism in politics, that you do what you have to do to get elected, and worry about the consequences later. Even if that means submitting to a Q & A session with the Northern Illinois Patriots. It is unknown to your LakeCountyEye if the Patriots invited Stolman and Atleson to proclaim that the United States is a Christian nation.

Note to ops: Sometimes tough questions need to be asked.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Route 53 Extension on the Block

The backyard chickens of Lake County have come home to roost -- and it's all over the Route 53 Extension. For years Lake County officials have gotten themselves re-elected by telling voters -- over and over again -- that they are taxed too much. Well these same officials now have a monster highway construction project coming down the pike and, haha, no tax dollars to pay for it.

Prospects for the Route 53 Extension have devolved to a level where it is devolving upon private industry to come up with the bucks to build it. According to the Daily Herald ...
Would private companies and developers help pay to extend Route 53 north into Lake County through a special taxing district? That's one solution to overcoming a cash shortfall, members of a tollway advisory group considered Thursday.
Funding options for 53 extension still elusive
Ops are advised not to despair.  The wheeler dealers of Lake County have come up with a new plan, one ludicrous enough that it just might work. Your LakeCountyEye has learned that corporate sponsorships are now going to be sold to pay for the Route 53 Extension. One high ranking official told your LakeCountyEye (on condition that he would appear to be totally made up): "If they can sell the naming rights for the CTA and Comiskey Park, then why not the Route 53 Extension? We already got a truckload of sponsors who want to see their corporate logos on our traffic signs. Don't worry, we plan to do it right, with real class, the logos will blend right in with the signs. No one will notice anything unless they are really looking."

He produced a binder of mock-ups. "These are ten that you can have -- here's an idea, make them look like one of those stupid Internet top ten lists."
Ten Corporate Sponsors Seen
on the Route 53 Extension

Look for your LakeCountyEye near you, shamelessly plugging away.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Mano a Mano in Lake County

The Battling Bickersons Your LakeCountyEye has been reminded (by several sources) that Friday is Valentine's Day. And as readers of this blog are greatly aware, Lake County has positioned itself as the State's #1 gay marriage vacation destination:
Lake County: Your Gaycation Destination
Not surprisingly, every hotel room in Lake County is booked solid this weekend with Illinois gubernatorial candidates.

Haha, with a Primary election less than 5 weeks away, gay marriage -- like it or not -- is looming large like a wedding gift from Fruit of the Loom. One local contest is directly impacted by the hoo-hah, according to the Daily Herald ...
Republican voters in a portion of Lake County will choose between a state representative who holds two elected jobs and a politically active challenger in next month's primary.
Sullivan, Bednar lock horns in House District 51 GOP primary in Lake County
Locking horns in State Rep District 51 are the incumbent, Ed Sullivan Jr, and his tea-party challenger, Bob Bednar. Sullivan voted to legalize same-sex marriage in Illinois; both candidates however deny their contest is about gay marriage. Hehe.

Bednar is throwing everything else available at Sullivan, charging that he is too liberal, and telling voters that Sullivan holds two elected positions, and draws two government salaries.

Note to ops: Expect your low information voters to take a Republican ballot in March. They likely don't know the difference between liberal and conservative, nor care one way or another about gay marriage. However these are voters who probably do not draw two salaries and may be drawing zero salaries1 -- so you could do worse to remind them that your opponent is a double-dipper. In any event, your LakeCountyEye is not selling the Sullivan stock short.

1 Your LakeCountyEye recalls one party boss who took pains to secure a job for every voter in his ward. He explained that any voter with a 9 to 5 job was a voter too busy to get to the polls on election day and vote against him. True story.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Lake County: Your Gaycation Destination

totally old schoolLake County can boast more than its share of elected officials who are either openly gay or in the closet. And with gay marriage now the law of the land in the Land of Lincoln, it's been suggested that Lake County ought to get in on the action and promote itself as a gay marriage destination.

Your LakeCountyEye would have thought that candidates for Lake County Board would buddy up with the idea. Well, haha, think again. According to the Daily Herald ...
As Illinois caterers, photographers and other entrepreneurs prepare for the expansion of marriage to same-sex couples this summer, Republican candidates in two contested Lake County Board races said they're not interested in promoting the county as a destination for such events. One was dismissive of the idea.
Lake County candidates not enthusiastic about same-sex wedding business
Lake County candidates seem to be running away from the whole gay marriage thing faster than greased lightning. At least one high ranking County official is stumped by the rearguard stance of his brethren; this plausibly conceived office holder told your LakeCountyEye: "It's not like we want to rebrand West Deerfield Township and call it something like West Shmeerfield Township. But I do think Volo Bog would be an ideal destination for gay singles."

Fortunately there is more than one way to skin the cat. Your LakeCountyEye has learned that Lake County officials have some alternative destination suggestions sitting in the hopper. All ten of them:
Ten Not-Gay Lake County Destination Ideas
  1. Gambling Mecca

  2. Backyard Chicken Ecotourism

  3. Come for the Medical Marijuana -- Stay for the 24-Hour Convenience Stores

  4. The Route 53 Extension Half-Pipe

  5. Get Frisked for Concealed Carry

  6. Girls Gone Wild Under the Red Light Cameras

  7. Line Up for Great America's Newest Thrill Ride: The Stationary CN Locomotive

  8. Plenty of Dominick's Parking Lots for Ditchbanging the Snowmobile

  9. The Lake County Election Commission Museum

  10. Lake County ... the Biggest Jury Awards in the State of Illinois!
Look for your LakeCountyEye at a Turkish bath near you.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Are You Self-Unemployed?

the virtual tip jarLike a bride left at the altar, your LakeCountyEye was all dressed up only to learn, unceremoniously, the Grayslake unemployment office is closing. The News-Sun certainly knew all the better:
In part of an ongoing effort to have more unemployment claims handled electronically, the Illinois Department of Employment Services (IDES) will close its office on the College of Lake County campus in Grayslake before its lease at the site runs out this year, possibly as early as this spring.
Employment services to close Grayslake office
Reluctant to waste a cab fare, your LakeCountyEye took the opportunity to see Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Leisure Time Studies, in his office at the College of Lake County.

"Ya," said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "the CLC unemployment office will be shut down like a ramen noodle roller coaster on a rainy day. I've been told that the closure was necessitated by a sudden decline in applicants. Unemployment in Lake County is approaching zero percent."

Your LakeCountyEye's eyes must've got wide.

"Haha PSYCHE!" guffawed Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Unemployment in Lake County is somewhere in the vicinity of 99%. If I wasn't a tenured professor here, unemployment in Lake County would be a perfect 100%. A true statistic."

Your LakeCountyEye did not know that.

"And this is the most startling fact our research uncovered:" continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "The minute the workers at the CLC unemployment office lose their jobs, unemployment will exceed 100% in Lake County! The unanswered question is -- OK where do these workers go to file for their unemployment benefits?"

Your LakeCountyEye's brain hurts.

"Well, I have a hunch." whispered Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi in a conspiratorial tone. "The plan all along is to encourage the jobless in Lake County to file for their benefits up in Wisconsin. That would save the State of Illinois a caboodle. This, by the way, is off-the-record."

Your LakeCountyEye's lips are sealed. The cab driver outside was leaning on the horn. Did Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice for the ops?

"Absolutely. We predict that medical marijuana cultivation & distribution -- along with concealed-carry training & licensing -- will be our #1 and #2 growth industries. Expect to see full-employment in Lake County by the end of fiscal year 2014."

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Drawing Down the Moon

If the groundhog wasn't frightened by his shadow today, then the Chicago Tribune Creepy Cartoonist™ may have done the job instead. As readers of this blog are breathlessly aware ...
Waste Management
yesterday the Creepy Tribune Cartoonist™ delivered up with another heapin' helpin' o' creepy:
While the drawing of Cruella de Vil and her diminutive henchman Sancho Panza are spot-on, your LakeCountyEye observes a suspicious unidentified floating object hovering above:
As luck would have it, Lake County boasts of more than its share of experts on UFOs and other things that go boom in the night. They all happen to live in the Coconino County region of Lake County, where your LakeCountyEye visited to solicit their opinions:
What is that thing
floating in the Tribune political cartoon
supposed to be?

"The Amazon Drone?"

"A three pound wedge of Facciamatta's Mozzarella Cheese."

"I saw one of those the other day over the Route 53 Extension."
Krazy Kat --
Victim's Rights Advocate
Ignatz Mouse --
Vice President, Bricklayers Union
Offissa Pupp --
County Undersheriff
Operatives are advised to keep watching the skies ...

Your LakeCountyEye visits Coconino County

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Waste Management

The Tribune Creepy Cartoonist™ must be feeling his oats. Your LakeCountyEye nearly lost the oatmeal, yesterday morning, after turning to the Chicago Tribune editorial page ...

Chicago Tribune
An image of big-business polluters discharging their effluvia into Chicago's once pristine waterways is probably not the best chaser for a fiber-rich breakfast.

The Creepy Tribune Cartoonist™ -- who blogs about his cartoons -- explains the drawing, in his own words ...
Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan has proposed a corporate income tax cut. This, in an attempt to beautify a business environment he and his fellow Democrats have polluted for decades
Madigan's Tax Cut Scented Candle
Note to ops who work in Chicago: When your company is caught red-handed despoiling the water or air with illegal pollution, there is no need to come clean and pay for a costly environmental rehabilitation. Instead, blame that toxic disaster on the Democrats!