Saturday, October 31, 2009

... must ... have ... brains ...

Today is Halloween but the scariest fear for many is called the H1N1 virus. Unexpected demand has led to long lines throughout the county and a shortage of vaccine doses. People in droves are being turned away, dejected -- well, in this case uninjected. Vaccine is now being rationed to high risk groups like children and pregnant women.

The Newssun reports that Lake County Board Chair Suzi Schmidt was in Round Lake Beach, Thursday, at a public vaccine clinic ...
The line starts here
Your LakeCountyEye heard that Schmidt was seen waiting in line until about 10am. Later she complained to Libby Collins on WKRS about being unable to obtain the vaccine.

Your LakeCountyEye is an old hand at rebuffing the various ghoulies and goblins that haunt the streets on Halloween night. But the thought that there are zombies out there who ... must ... have ... vaccine ... gives your LakeCountyEye pause. Your LakeCountyEye will not be answering the doorbell tonight.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Superannuated Firepower

Aiming to match the success that the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee had the past two elections, the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC) has a program in place called Young Guns which it describes as ...
a Member driven organization of House Republicans dedicated to electing open seat and challenger candidates nationwide.
National Republican Congressional Committee
The program recently recruited more than 30 new candidates, 5 from Illinois, and 3 from the 10 Congressional District. The 3 should be familiar to loyal readers:

Young Guns
Elizabeth CoulsonRichard GreenRobert Dold
Age: 56Age: 55Age: 40

No, your LakeCountyEye is not making any of this up, satirewise. The name of the NRCC program is Young Guns. And the newest members include Coulson age 56, Green age 50, Dold age 40.

OK, this may not be as weird as it looks. The median age of FoxNews viewers is 63. Presumably this is the median age of the Republican Party these days. So within a demographic like that, someone aged 56 might pass as a Young Gun. It could happen. Dold, clocking in at a breezy 40 years, is the beardless youngster of the three and makes the most plausible Young Gun. Still, any way you look at it 40 years is middle age. Dold would've been born in 1969, five years after the tail end of the baby boom. The same baby boom now poised to bankrupt Social Security.

Just in case you may have forgotten, had John McCain won in 2008 he would've been the oldest US President. And you may have heard that there now is a war is being fought for the soul of the Republican Party. Well, you heard it here first, the civil war is officially over. The old fossils and geezers won the war. In the battle for its soul, the GOP has transformed itself into a Grand Old Party. Where the future is represented by fresh faced young guns like Elizabeth Coulson. Age 56.

Finally, a wink of the LakeCountyEye goes to TeamAmerica ...
NRCC Adds IL-10 Hopefuls Coulson, Dold and Green to its "Young Guns" Program
for breaking this story. Although upon first seeing it your LakeCountyEye admits thinking, c'mon someone's being punk'd here. But if The Hill ...
NRCC adds 32 to Young Guns program
(or for that matter the NRCC itself) can be believed, the story is legitimate. But be sure to check out TeamAmerica's version of the story, anyways, if only for the beefcake pix pinned up over there. Emilio, Kiefer, Lou Diamond, Charlie, Dermot -- as one hotshot young funnyman, Bob Hope, used to say: RRRROWL!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

This Way to the Congress

Your LakeCountyEye trained the microscope at the Eighth Congressional District this week ...
The Eighth is Enough
There is a crowded primary in the offing, at least on the Republican side. The reader, ie you, was challenged to identify the candidates. Could you match-up some mug shots with some names? The results are in and not surprisingly you did quite well when it came to IDing Maria Rodriguez. However you seemed to have nary the clue when it came to identifying the other candidates Joe Walsh, Greg Jacobs or John Dawson. The results were not much better than random chance. This may be an indication of Rodriguez's superior name recognition. Or it may be an indication that Rodriguez was the only female in the survey. In any event, the raw numbers have been forwarded to Price-Waterhouse for additional analysis.

Candidate ACandidate BCandidate CCandidate D

You were correct if you sent in these answers:
  • Candidate A / Maria Rodriguez (R)
  • Candidate B / Joe Walsh (R)
  • Candidate C / Greg Jacobs (R)
  • Candidate D / John Dawson (R)
Winning entrants, watch your inbox this week. A LakeCountyEye Nigerian representative will be e-mailing you detailed instructions on how to claim your prize.
The Eighth isn't the only Congressional District in Lake County. On the east coast, the Tenth Congressional District also will have a crowded Republican primary. To those east coasters who have felt slighted by your LakeCountyEye, here is your chance to shine. Your challenge is to test your skills against those in the Eighth District. There are no less than four candidates who want to succeed Mark Kirk. They are, in no particular order ...
  • Elizabeth Coulson (R)
  • Bob Dold (R)
  • Dick Green (R)
  • Bill Cadigan (R)
Do you have what it takes? Match the 10th District candidate with the photo.
Candidate ACandidate BCandidate CCandidate D
Do not delay, correct answers to be posted soon.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Petition Competition

Candidates, in case you've forgotten, the first day to submit your nominating petitions is Oct 26 -- this upcoming Monday. The last day to submit your petitions is the subsequent Monday, Nov 2. But take it from your LakeCountyEye, no candidate wants to wait until the last day to submit their petitions. Of course you lose an opportunity to be first on the ballot. But more importantly, nothing says election-day-flounder to the big-money donors like a candidate who schleps into the filing office at five minutes to closing with a paper sack of unnotarized petitions. If you don't yet have your 5000 or 500 or 50 or 5 -- as the case may be -- signatures of registered voters, the clock is ticking!

Since this is the final week of the petition period, and as a service to the reader, these are your LakeCountyEye's 10 most important FAQs about petitions:
1) You must be a registered voter to sign. Registered beer lover? Sorry.

2) Signing a candidate's petition does not obligate you to vote for the candidate. However said candidate now does have your name and address.

3) Technically you are not permitted to sign a candidate's petitions more than once. Oh as if.

4) For those who prefer not to sign someone's petition, learn this phrase: Parlez-vous fran├žais?

5) Texting your signature is not allowed.

6) Do not sign a Petition to Undress for Grievance without reading the fine print.

7) Carpal-tunnel sufferers: petition signers can now file an OSHA claim.

8) You are not expected to tip the petition holder.

9) If the petition holder offers to tip you, take the money and run.

10) You are permitted to sign as Hugh Jass only if your name is Hugh Jass.
As for your LakeCountyEye, plans are in place to spend the weekend ensconced at the LakeCountyEye compound, safe from the entreaties of the horde of desperate candidates vying for your LakeCountyEye's JohnHancock. Signing out!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Eighth is Enough

It was reported here a while back that Joe Walsh is testing the waters.
A Fresh Face in the 8th Congressional District
Your LakeCountyEye has received e-mail confirmation that Walsh is no longer testing the waters, and will be a candidate for 8th Congressional District Congressman ...
"I am running because I've had enough!" said Mr. Walsh. "Like people all over the 8th Congressional District, I am ticked off at how much money our government is spending and how quickly government is growing."
Walsh's website can be visited at ...
His new campaign theme may be: Had Enough?

Coincidentally, the petition filing period for the Feb primary begins next Monday, Oct 26, and ends Nov 2. A Republican needs 654 signatures to be an 8th District candidate. Campaign staff will no doubt be looking closely at their opponent's petitions while asking the same question: "Had enough?"

Finally, your LakeCountyEye reckons there are now no less than four Republican candidates who want Melissa Bean's job. In no particular order, they are ...
  • Maria Rodriguez (R)
  • Joe Walsh (R)
  • Greg Jacobs (R)
  • John Dawson (R)
Test your political skills! Match the 8th District candidate with the photo.
Candidate ACandidate BCandidate CCandidate D
Correct answers to be posted next week.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Dirty Tricks Or Treats?

Can it be, Halloween is just two weeks off? Your LakeCountyEye hasn't even begun to think about this year's trick-or-treat get-up. Hard knocks have taught that a good Halloween costume is all the difference when it comes to bringing home the Halloween goodies. Your LakeCountyEye learned this valuable lesson trick-or-treating one year as an overnight anonymous-lit dropper.

Your LakeCountyEye is a firm believer in gathering all the oppo possible. And every projection indicates there will be a crowded field of competitors out there October 31, jostling for that never sufficient cache of Snickers & Butter Nut Crunch Bars. Your LakeCountyEye has reliable advance intel on what some trick-or-treaters will be wearing this Halloween. Here's your exclusive sneak peak:

Maria Rodriguez
Eighth Congressional District Candidate
will be
trick-or-treating as ...
Eighth District Congresswoman
Melissa Bean?

Terry Link
Lieutenant Governor Candidate
will be
trick-or-treating as ...
Former Lieutenant Governor
Pat Quinn?

Mark Kirk
US Senate Candidate
will be
trick-or-treating as ...
Movie Star
Macaulay Culkin?

Lisa Stone
Buffalo Grove Trustee
will be
trick-or-treating as ...
Mistress of the Dark

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Q the Eye/10.13.09

Dear LakeCountyEye,

I'm so into my bitchin night-job, bein queen of the city-council is totally awesome! Except for all the dweebs who won't ever STFU, I'm all like hello I'm talking over here, but whatever.

So what's up with this thingy they got, what's a recall proposal? Everyone's just cold sayin it's totally not about me. I'm so sure! I was all like, earth-to-spazzes: who was elected in the frickin landslide? I'm so totally like: deal with it.

Whatever. Should I be freakin now or what?

Totally Recalled

Dear Malibu-Blarney,

Relax, get your freak on another day. No body of elected representatives has ever voluntarily enacted a recall ordinance. When you see the word recall on the agenda, take it as a sign that backs are against the wall, sabers are rattling. That recall proposal is meant as a shot across the bow. Trust your LakeCountyEye, no elected rep of any stripe is looking to be held accountable -- particularly by a recall mechanism.

All you need to do is chill out, play nice and avoid the obvious pitfalls your LakeCountyEye found the time to compile below. Before you know it that totally non-tubular recall proposal will be a distant memory.
  • The filibuster is a time honored parliamentary maneuver. However no one likes 6 hour meetings. Or driving after 3am.
    Daily Herald

  • You may not agree with how other trustees vote, but never FOIA their e-mail.
    Daily Herald

  • If you're nudged by another trustee at a little league game, don't file a police report.
    Daily Herald

  • And don't request police protection from the trustee who nudged you.
    Daily Herald

  • While it may be technically OK to hire the local professional atheist as your consultant, it is not OK to consult the atheist during public meetings.
    Daily Herald

  • BONUS Pitfall/A
    Even if the Springfield Democrats are desperate enough to return your calls, you don't help your cause by leaking it.
    Daily Herald

  • BONUS Pitfall/B
    Don't get a court order to force the, erm, Daily Herald to reveal sources.
    Daily Herald
Observe these simple rules and you'll find yourself cutting major-league legislative deals quicker than you can say Michael J. Madigan.

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Eye on the Prize

The first rule behind every successful game-show is that no one leaves without a prize. So your LakeCountyEye is puzzled that people were shocked to learn that after losing the Olympic Gold Medal, President Barack Obama got to go home yesterday with a nice consolation Nobel Peace Prize.

Equally puzzling were all the heads that exploded over the fact that Obama has been on the job not quite 9 months. Your LakeCountyEye's operatives in Oslo report that after 8 years of George W Bush, the Nobel Committee was prepared to give the Peace Prize to, had he won, John McCain.

But your LakeCountyEye digresses. The purpose of packing the operatives off to Norway in October was not to gather intelligence, but to bribe lobby the Nobel Committee. Your LakeCountyEye has a stable of candidates worthy of their own Nobel Prizes, and is not shy about doing what needs to be done to make it happen. They are ten in number, and each more than deserves the world's recognition.

Here are your LakeCountyEye's nominees:
1) For her interpersonal skills, Buffalo Grove Trustee Lisa Stone gets the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.

2) After spreading that rumor that State Senator Terry Link is running for the 10th Congressional District, the Nobel Prize in Literature goes to Lt Governor Candidate Terry Link.

3) Going, within a span of a couple of weeks, from a projected balanced budget to a $6.3 million deficit, the Nobel Prize in Economics is awarded to newly minted Waukegan Mayor Bob Sabonjian.

4) For spending a week in his own jail -- so you don't have to? -- the Presidential Medal of Freedom goes to Lake County Sheriff Mark Curran.

5) Proving that one can simultaneously be on both sides of any given issue, and advancing our understanding of quantum superposition, Senate candidate Mark Kirk gets the Nobel Prize in Physics.

6) It took a lot of pork to resurface and widen Rte 45 & Rte 83 & Rte 137 and all those other County roads. So a Rhodes Scholarship goes to State Senator Michael Bond.

7) Having figured out one does not announce they will run for State Rep two months after being chosen to hold down a vacant County Board seat, County Board Commissioner Aaron Lawler deserves a MacArthur Genius Award.

8) The Nobel Prize in Medicine to Lake County Coroner Dr Richard Keller. 'Snuff said.

9) Lake County Board Chair Suzi Schmidt, who returned her annual pay raise, is in line for the $100,000 Pyramid.

10) And for best performance with a goldfish in a supporting role, the Oscar goes to Lake County Clerk Willard Helander.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Ant Simonian Bugs Out
of Republican Federation

There is no truth to the rumor that with the addition of an exterminator, Bob Dold, to the list of Republican candidates for the 10th Congressional District, Ant Simonian was compelled to resign from her Republican Federation post.

Antonietta "Ant" Simonian resigned this week from her post as Lake County Republican Federation Executive Director. The Republican Federation is the fundraising arm of the Lake County Republican Party. Simonian is known for booking South Carolina Governor Mark "don't cry for me Argentina" Sanford last April to keynote the Lake County Republican's annual fundraising dinner.

According to the Daily Herald, Simonian resigned to spend more time with her family. LakeCountyEye readers will know that when someone resigns for family reasons, they were either (1) thrown under the political bus or (2) they told someone to take this job and shove it. The abrupt and unexpected circumstances of Simonian's departure does nothing to quell these suspicions.

Simonian will be succeeded by Chelsey Stanley. Stanley is 23 and is from Kenosha.

If politics is show business, then fundraising is the job of standing behind the elephants with a broom. Given the undesirability of doing political fundraising, and given the fact that Simonian's replacement is an intern who lives in Wisconsin, your LakeCountyEye strongly suspects that (2) someone was instructed to take this job and shove it.

Your LakeCountyEye wishes Stanley the best in her new endeavor.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Q the Eye/10.01.09

Dear LakeCountyEye,

I won a tough election in 2008 and get to sit out the next one but, you know, 2012 is just around the corner. I'm low man on a totem pole in a Party that is out of power and 2012 is, you know, a redistricting year. With a stacked deck like this, how does an incumbent get himself re-elected?

Head & Shoulders Above the Pack
Dear Dandruffy,

As your LakeCountyEye is sure everyone knows, politics is a cyclical business that operates on a boom & bust cycle. Come election night you're looking at either boom-goes-the-dynamite or at spontaneous human com-bustion. Add to the mix random uncertainties like redistricting, and your LakeCountyEye recommends a political career only to those stoutest of heart.

Fret not, however, your dire straits have a lining of silver called incumbency. Because once you got elected you statutorily became the incumbent. And according to the latest polling at FiveThirtyEight, a whopping 218% ± 3 of all incumbents are re-elected. You don't need a veteran handicapper like your LakeCountyEye to tell you those are excellent odds indeed.

Of course no incumbent should take their re-election for granted, the way to November it salted with the roadkill remains of Phil Crane, Dick Hyde, Gary Del Re, and many others. Nonetheless, it's no accident that incumbents keep getting re-elected over and over and over again. The secret to their serial success is name recognition. Voters tend to vote for ballot names they recognize. Which are usually the names of the incumbents (certainly not the challengers). As a corollary, voter apathy -- low voter turnout -- works to your benefit as the incumbent. Be sure to pack the polls with your people on election day and you'll be returning to elected office for life.

It's a given that voter turnout is proportional to voter education. The more educated your voters are, the more likely they will vote. Less educated voters stay home more often. So your LakeCountyEye has to admire one precocious incumbent who's taken this idea to the next level.

One perk of being an elected representative in Springfield is the General Assembly Legislative Scholarship Program. Every member of the General Assembly gets eight annual college scholarships to hand out to their constituents. You're no doubt asking yourself at this point, if an incumbent gives away eight college scholarships every year, won't that have the effect of raising the education level of his constituents? And doesn't that jeopardize his re-election chances?

The precocious incumbent in question must think this would be exactly the case, because he took the radical step of dropping out of the scholarship program altogether. According to the Daily Herald there won't be any college scholarships forthcoming from this particular pol's office. If you're some freeloading constituent yearning to better yourself through higher education, tough luck, get a job.

It was written in the Tao te Ching thousands of years ago ...
The superior man leads
by emptying people's minds,
by filling their bellies,
by weakening their ambition,
and by toughening their hides.
This seems to be one lesson not lost upon one of our forward-looking incumbents!

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ...