Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Constitution Will Not Be Televised

Lake County voters are hoppin' mad over everything and anything, not the least of which being their Constitutional Rights. These voters do not think it is Constitutional for their legislators to pass legislation, and as reported on this blog ...
Crazy Eighth
they have made their feelings known. It should go without saying that it is the Judicial -- not Legislative -- branch of government responsible for deciding the Constitutionality of a piece of legislation. All of which makes your LakeCountyEye wonder whether or not any of these fightin' mad angry voters have actually read the Constitution.

Charged with doing the dirty jobs so that you don't have to, your LakeCountyEye has read the US Constitution. Since the best safeguard against an uninformed electorate is a misinformed electorate, your LakeCountyEye has compiled ten little known provisions and amendments to the Constitution.

The 10 Least Known Articles, Clauses and Amendments
in the US Constitution

  1. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of red-light-cameras, or prohibiting the free blowing-off thereof.

  2. The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed, until pried from their cold dead fingers.

  3. Congress shall be granted the power to vanquish Lord Voldemort.

  4. The right of citizens to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States on account of being a goldfish.

  5. I have not forgotten that $10 thou owest me, Mr Jefferson.

  6. No President shall exact retribution on an electorate who removed him from office after one term by nominating or supporting his son for the same office. Particularly if the idiot was christened by the same name.
    Editors Note: the so-called John Quincy Adams Amendment

  7. The US Treasury will buy your gold for cash -- act NOW!

  8. The phrase "All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights" does not appear in this Constitution. Look it up.

  9. In case of the removal of the President from office, the Vice President shall become President. The duties of the Vice President shall be assumed by the first runner-up Miss America.

  10. You gotta fight for your right to party.

Find the US Constitution online, courtesy your Federal Government:
The Constitution of the United States
Accept no substitutes!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Crazy Eighth

This blog may well be a slice of rye with a swipe of mayo, because your LakeCountyEye is being spammed. The YouTube link air-dropped into recent comment sections of this blog leads to a video attacking Eighth Congressional Candidate, Joe Walsh. The best way to make mincemeat of spam is to shine some light on it, so the video is reproduced here:

A commendable approximation of a viral video, to be sure, although it has your LakeCountyEye is wondering why bother? Nate Silver gives Walsh a 0.0000000002% chance of winning, a figure that puts Walsh within the statistical margin of error only if one invokes the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

A much funnier video attacks Eighth District Congresswoman, Melissa Bean:

It's looking like the Tea Party has jacked up its efforts to stalk Bean. Note to operatives: when sending one of your guys out w/camera to capture that macaca moment, make sure your guy is not some maroon playing constitution cop. When in public, the constitution guarantees your right to be perceived as a clown. Best advice: take constitutional grievances to where they belong -- the ACLU.

Note to operatives, on the flip side: If your top dog is being hounded by a maroon w/camera, run some interference. Have a guy firmly block & politely inform the camera that the senator/governor/mayor/president is late for a session and will be happy to follow-up at a later date. Your LakeCountyEye happens to know the Round Lake Library District keeps some mean bone-crushers on staff to protect their inventory from over-achieving middle-schoolers. Give them a call; they are willing to freelance.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Gator Brigade

Your LakeCountyEye will not be wrestling the alligators at the Shedd Aquarium any more. You read about it here first at ...
A Blink of the Eye: 05.10.06
where operatives were invited to witness your LakeCountyEye and some of the Shedd's meanest & greenest lizards go at it -- mano-a-mano.

But, bad news for nature lovers. As of today, the LakeCountyEye summer job -- shows at 10, 1 and 2 -- is officially in mothballs.

Just between us operatives, who hasn't absentmindedly pocketed an office item or two from the workplace? Even a three foot long & green office item? Well, who knew the Shedd would have a zero tolerance policy? The Daily Herald has the sad details ...
Buffalo Grove police capture 3-foot alligator
It goes without saying that an alligator makes for a nice handbag. However, in this instance it was your LakeCountyEye who got sacked.

Released from the grip of a now toothless confidentiality agreement, your LakeCountyEye can report, in an exclusive, that plans had been underway to locally build a pod of specially trained alligators. Attack alligators were being bred in an undisclosed Chicago River location for the purpose of ridding Lake Michigan of Asian carp. An 800lb gator can eat its weight in the tasty carp, and the plan probably would have worked had not the Northern Lake County Lake Michigan Water Planning Project threatened to blow the whistle, effectively deep-sixing the top secret project. Everyone knows how the New York sewer system has been clogged up for years because it is overrun with the fast breeding NYC alligator. The Northern Lake County Lake Michigan Water Planning Project did not want to find, under no uncertain terms, alligators nesting in any of its 45 mile water pipeline from Lake Michigan.

Much backroom maneuvering is expected to ensue. But as it stands, the Asian carp get to live another day. Or as they say in Rome, carpe diem. Nonetheless NCAA fans may not have to wait until January to see the next Gator Bowl. To put it in other terms, expect to see your LakeCountyEye bathroom lights lit all through the night. Just sayin!

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Fib Bianchi Sequence

Count to 10 and breathe a collective sigh of relief. The lost Louis Bianchi cartoon has been discovered. The commodious McHenryCountyBlog has the skinny on what has up to now been an enduring Internet mystery:
when I saw the Northwest Herald's editorial cartoon with McHenry County State's Attorney Lou Bianchi holding an umbrella from which rain was falling, I knew the inspiration. It was Joe Brfsplk. He's the guy who perpetually walked around with a rain cloud over his head. I don't see the cartoon online, so I can't link you to it.
Northwest Herald Cartoonist Inspired by Al Capp
As mysteries go this one rivals Amelia Earhart, Judge Crater and the Mary Celeste all rolled into one. A LakeCountyEye ad-hoc phalanx of deep-web/2.0 haxors have recently uncovered both the whereabouts and a facsimile of the fabled cartoon:

Sharp-eyed operatives will note that the McHenryCountyBlog n00bs were foiled by the lowly typo: Anyone googling Joe Brfsplk would be lucky not to be redirected to a Kyrgyzstan porno site.

The lovable Li'l Abner sidekick in question is of course Joe Btfsplk. Who, sharp-eyed operatives will note, only cursorily resembles Louis Bianchi.

The indicted McHenry County State's Attorney actually is a dead-ringer for Fredo Corleone. The NorthWest Herald cartoonist must've not had a picture of Bianchi to draw from.


Bianchi Rendition
LakeCountyEye Bonus Lightning Round!

Can You Match the Statement with the Character?
  • I know it was you, Fredo.
  • How else would you pronounce it?
  • Under this same scrutiny, most public officials in America could be indicted by an out-of-control special prosecution.
    LakeCountyEye Lightning Round contest void where prohibited.

    Monday, September 13, 2010

    Drive a Hard Bargain

    The queue observed last week at the Secretary of State facility in Libertyville were not people in line get their driver's license photo. They were queued to use the bathroom. At the adjacent diner.

    To quote the philosophers, shit happens -- so when the plumbing went kapoot at the Peterson Rd Driver's License Office the landlord was notified. A landlord, in these situations, typically sends over an in-law to assess and hopefully attenuate the problem. However the building is owned by the family of a high-profile Lake County politico, who used the opportunity to demand some unpaid back rent in advance of the repair. In other words: you'll flush your latrine when we are flush with the green.

    By the time the issue percolated up to the Daily Herald, what had been a rumpus between two private parties was now privy to the public at large:
    Libertyville driver's license facility may be evicted
    Your LakeCountyEye has learned that in the interim cooler heads prevailed and ledgers on both sides have been happily squared away. But not before the State of Illinois had to bring in an outside plumbing contractor. On the taxpayer's dime. At union scale.

    Whether a tempest in a teapot or a commotion in a commode, your LakeCountyEye doubts the facility will lose its lease. If you click the satellite photo, the Secretary of State office is easy to find. Look for the lot that's jam-packed with the cars. It goes without saying those cars aren't there to visit the nextdoor Heritage Press.
    Bird's Eye View of Peterson Rd, Libertyville

    Click Image to Enlarge

    Secretary of State Facility

    Click Image to Enlarge
    This particular Driver's License Office draws a sizable amount of business traffic to its stretch of Peterson. These are consumers who are likely to patronize the surrounding businesses, the nearby Libertyville Saddle Shop, for instance. It's not hard to imagine what the satellite photo would look like if the State of Illinois decided to move their facility. Your LakeCountyEye has heard that the Secretary of State is looking for more convenient & centrally located space to situate a facility.

    Just supposing one suddenly has 10,000 square feet of office space to fill, what sort of anchor-business might one reasonably expect to attract? Your LakeCountyEye recently drove that part of Peterson Rd. And remembers noticing a few tattoo parlors. And liquor stores. And payday-loan/pawn shops. Not to mention quite a few For Rent signs.

    Just sayin'!

    Sunday, September 12, 2010

    An Offer They Can't Refute

    Your LakeCountyEye, aka The Notorious Grammar Cop, flaunted an encyclopedic knowledge of the English language last April ...
    Rein of Error
    The local media can be counted on to never disappoint, so the Grammar Cop is back after noticing this Daily Herald headline:
    State senate candidate refutes Grayslake trustee's accusation
    This faux pas is not a malapropism on the scale of a refudiate, ala Sarah Palin. Operatives will recall that the word refute is defined as ...
    re·fute /rɪˈfyut/
    –verb (used with object), -fut·ed, -fut·ing.
    1. to prove to be false or erroneous, as an opinion or charge.
    However those reading the Daily Herald story and expecting to witness the spectacle of a Grayslake trustee's sophistry soundly disproved by the superior logic of a State Senate candidate, will be disappointed.

    According to the Herald, State Senate candidate Suzi Schmidt and Grayslake trustee Ron Jarvis had a minor dustup on the mean streets of suburban Grayslake. Jarvis overheard Schmidt tell some neighbors that the municipality of Grayslake takes a 10 percent bite out of their property tax bill. (The actual figure is 4 percent.) Schmidt maintains she said that municipalities on average take 10 percent.

    In saying so, did Schmidt refute Jarvis? Or is this just a case of He Said/She Said? You be the judge ...
    He Said / She Said?

    He Said

    She Said
    No grammar cop's job is done until the red-pencil is sicced on the offending construction. However, your LakeCountyEye is not quite sure what the Herald intended to convey. Here are ten leading conjectures, with the questionable word refute replaced with a more appropriate choice.

    Ten Headlines that the Herald may have Intended
    1. State senate candidate disputes Grayslake trustee's accusation
    2. State senate candidate confutes Grayslake trustee's accusation
    3. State senate candidate imputes Grayslake trustee's accusation
    4. State senate candidate reputes Grayslake trustee's accusation
    5. State senate candidate dilutes Grayslake trustee's accusation
    6. State senate candidate turkey shoots Grayslake trustee's accusation
    7. State senate candidate cold boots Grayslake trustee's accusation
    8. State senate candidate bigfoots Grayslake trustee's accusation
    9. State senate candidate scoops the loop Grayslake trustee's accusation
    10. State senate candidate poots Grayslake trustee's accusation

    Your LakeCountyEye will be cruisin' the Root 53 Extension. Look for the natty dresser in the zoot suit.

    Friday, September 10, 2010

    The Booboisie Prize

    Your LakeCountyEye Question of the Day:

    Q) What do ...
    • The Ground Zero Mosque
    • The Koran-burning Pastor
    • The Miss USA Pageant
    have in common?

    A) They have the boobs all worked up.

    The boobs in America are all worked up over the Ground Zero Mosque. The boobs in Afghanistan are all worked up over the Koran-burning Pastor. And who doesn't love a beauty contest?

    It took a call from the Secretary of Defense to convince Florida pastor Terry Jones not to burn his Koran. Or maybe not. The pastor, nodoubt nobody's fool, is now holding the Ground Zero mosque hostage: "Either move that mosque away from Ground Zero, or the Koran gets it." Your LakeCountyEye recalls that Ground Zero became Ground Zero nine years ago, when it was 19 boobs from the Mideast who managed to hijack some commercial jets.

    How does a low-achiever Baptist pastor from low-achiever Gainesville FL suddenly become the pointman on US foreign policy? If the lamestream media hadn't noticed and thrown a lot of gasoline on this weenee roast, Pastor Jones would probably be talking back to his teevee-set at this moment. Instead of talking to the teevee cameras.

    Your LakeCountyEye predicts that no Korans will burn this 9/11 weekend. Sure, no one wants overseas GIs stupidly put in harm's way. But more importantly, Jones can threaten to burn Korans indefinitely. But once that first Koran is torched, the drama ends, and cameras start packing up and will move on to the next media-created circus. Operatives are challenged to guess how many weeks the pyrotechnic pastor is able to fan his 15 minutes of flame.

    Monday, September 6, 2010

    In Your Heart You Know He's Right

    The ubiquitous McHenryCountyBlog Instamatic captured 10th District Congressman Mark Kirk ...

    The Lake in the Hills Sunset Festival Parade
    There are about a dozen people in the frame, but Kirk can be quickly identified. Look for the person in the lead; wearing the long-sleeve shirt; saluting the crowd; sporting a Hitler moustache.

    Sharp-eyed operatives will discern what your LakeCountyEye already knows: While politicians often strive to strike a Churchillian stance, Kirk is caught in a Hitlerian pose ...

    Last April your LakeCountyEye warned of the pitfalls of playing the Nazi card:
    Secret Stash
    And operatives were advised to resist the temptation of comparing the political opposition with Hitler.

    However to deliberately outfit your own candidate in a way that invites comparison with Hitler -- to mashup candidate and Nazi -- is frankly a political maneuver one does not see.

    A campaign gimmick like this will probably not fly in metropolitan Illinois, but in rural areas, who knows? Down in downstate Illinois -- like McHenry County, where they vote exclusively for God, guns, gays, abortion, immigration -- it may not hurt to juice a candidate's right-wing street-cred with a subtle reminder that he sides with the Fascists.

    A gutsy political play that your LakeCountyEye will be observing closely!

    Bonus LakeCountyEye Flash Match!

    Can You Spot the Fake?
    LakeCountyEye FlashMatch contest restricted to eligible participants only.

    Thursday, September 2, 2010

    Creepy Tribune Cartoonist
    Oblivious to Elephant in the Room

    If the Chicago Tribune Creepy Cartoonist is to be believed, the White House Oval Office got a makeover ...

    Chicago Tribune, 09/02/2010
    In this particular drawing, the elephant in the room is a pair of menacing African black rhinoceroses the renovators left behind. President Obama is beset by Tea-Party-talking-point bogeymen depicted as rhinoceroses sporting labels that say BLOATED GOVT and DEFICIT.

    Now your LakeCountyEye is but a simple country blogger, and by no means a professional editorial cartoonist skilled in the semiotic art of conveying complex ideas in simple pictures. Nonetheless, if one's artistic aim was to depict the elephant in the room, wouldn't drawings of, well, elephants be apropos?

    That would've been your LakeCountyEye's obvious choice. The elephant is the symbol of the GOP. The same GOP that bookended nearly a decade of self-serving government mismanagement and war -- and responsible for that BLOATED GOVT and the DEFICIT. This may be ancient history to some -- a year and a half already -- but an elephant never forgets!