Sunday, December 31, 2023

Cooked Up Confections

Given Donald Trump's penchant for filing frivolous lawsuits, it should be no surprise that the Lake County Gazette has a story about orange tortes:
The Lake County Gazette asked one real person about pumpkin pie. He said:
Speaking about the significance of this day, John Doe, a pumpkin pie enthusiast, shared his enthusiasm, saying, "Christmas and pumpkin pie go hand in hand for me."

And the Lake County Gazette asked another real person about pumpkin pie. She said:
Jane Smith, a resident of Illinois, expressed her pride, stating, "Pumpkin pie holds a special place in our hearts here in Illinois."

And the Lake County Gazette (aka Lake County's #1 fakenews source) sent a H/T to Tom Weber for the story idea:
For the record, that is State Rep Tom Weber. If that is his real name.

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

Santa's Coming to Town

Is there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about? The McHenry County Blog knows, courtesy good ol' Charlie Brown:
"Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."

The tinfoil theocrats at the McHenry County Blog also want you know something else -- that a busload of migrants from Texas were dropped off in Fox River Grove:
Note to Texas Migrants: Move along. There is no room at the inn, here.

Saturday, December 23, 2023

A Republian in Name Only

The McHenry County man who misspelled REPUBLICAN on his nominating papers will get to run as a Republican anyways:
Misspelling won't keep candidate for McHenry County Board off ballot
Officials do concede there are ways to get thrown off the ballot in McHenry County -- even with a misspelled Party name. Ten of them by your LakeCountyEye's count:
10 Commonly Misspelled Party Names
Seen on a McHenry County Ballot Petition
  1. Repugnican
  2. RepubliConMan
  3. The GOOP
  4. The Party of Nixon
  5. The Silly Party
  6. RepuliThisIsWhyYouShouldBeInvestingInBitCoin
  7. The Know Nothing Party
  8. RePutinsPuppet
  9. The Stag Party
  10. The Guilty Party
Look for your LakeCountyEye at a hollyday party near you.

Monday, December 18, 2023

Grand Old Prat

The McHenry County Man who filed nominating papers for the McHenry County board failed to shoot himself in the foot to correctly spell REPUBLICAN:
A county board incumbent in Illinois wants election officials to disqualify his primary opponent because he misspelled "Republican" on his nomination papers. McHenry County Board member Eric Hendricks has filed an objection to primary opponent Bob Nowak's candidacy
Illinois county board incumbent wants primary opponent disqualified for misspelling 'Republican'
Note to Ops: Don't be pennywise and pound foolish. Sure, homeschooling is more economical, but you end up paying for it in the long run.

Thursday, December 14, 2023

The Fontainhead

Knock Knock. Who's there? Ayn. Ayn who? Ayn you glad I didn't say banana?
It's true, Mundelein water is piped in from Lake Michigan, but don't expect to see it any time soon. A public fountain will not be built outside of Mundelein Village Hall. Mundelein Trustees deep-sixed the idea:
Plans for a public gathering space in the now-vacant oval outside Mundelein's village hall will progress without a water feature - to the apparent frustration of Mayor Steve Lentz.
Mundelein plaza plan now won't include fountain
All of this, even though the Mayor of Mundelein wanted a fountain:
Lentz talked glowingly about the public fountains in Kansas City, Missouri, and in Rome and the prospect of such a feature at Plaza Circle. "Fountains are a thing," Lentz said.
Mundelein plaza plan now won't include fountain
Going as far as securing a proposal and cost estimate from a contractor:
"The village hired Deerfield engineering and design firm Kimley-Horn to develop plans for the oval." Lentz said.
Mundelein plaza plan now won't include fountain
Note to Ops: Make sure to count your votes ahead of time. You never know which of your Trustees are wet blankets.

Saturday, December 9, 2023

If You Lie with Dogmatists

Lake County backbench staterep Martin McLaughlin was seen consorting with We the People of McHenry County:

We the People is a network of McHenry County tinfoil theocrats:
We the People are election deniers:
We the People want to take over the public schools:
We the People do not believe women can make their own reproductive decisions:
And if that don't beat all, We the People has a happy for Martin McLaughlin:
Note to Ops: You can't spell Martin McLaughlin without MAGA.

Sunday, December 3, 2023

Raze the Roofs

fixed overhead costs
The truck that crashed into the Long Grove bridge failed to hit the Long Grove bridge this time. The truck demolished a covered bridge in Princeton IL, instead:
despite multiple signs warning against doing so, the driver of an 18-wheeler tried to cross the bridge, causing extensive damage to the structure.
‘Devastated’: 160-year-old covered bridge, one of few left in Illinois, severely damaged by truck
For the record, Princeton is an exurb South of I-80, North of Peoria, and West of the Pecos.

A Lake County traffic safety officer told your LakeCountyEye: "Our decoy program is working better than expected. Every truck that hits a downstate covered bridge is one less truck crashing into the Long Grove bridge."

The McHenry County Man who shot himself in the foot who failed to shoot himself in the foot in McHenry County was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, November 28, 2023

Wheels of Fire

arf arf
Late fall in Lake County is a time when the trees and the foliage and the people and their vehicles all converge for a wondrous display of color. Of course your LakeCountyEye refers to the combustible combination of yard waste and hot catalytic converters and the resulting street fires:
A suburban fire department has advised residents to keep their vehicles away from fallen leaves after a car parked on leaves ignited, causing the car to burst into flames. The Mundelein Fire Department said that firefighters responded to a fully involved vehicle fire late Sunday evening, with the car and surrounding leaves completely engulfed in flames upon arrival of firefighters. Officials said that the blaze was quickly extinguished and that no injuries were reported.
Mundelein Fire Department advises residents to keep leaves away from vehicles after parked car ignites
In related news, you're invited to a drive-thru holiday festival of lights. Please fire up your engines and take a cruise through the open field site of last summer's outdoor marijuana festival in Mundelein. For best results, drive slow and roll your windows down.

Thursday, November 23, 2023

Phase 2 of Halloween+Thanksgiving+Christmas

gobble gobble
Thanksgiving is that time of year to be thankful. To reflect on what matters most. To share in your good fortunes.

So could there be any better time for a pop quiz?

Q: Why did the giant Thanksgiving Turkey parade balloon cross the road?
A: Because it was under the Long Grove Bridge (clearance 8ft 6in).

Q: What did the McHenry Man who shot himself in the foot say at Thanksgiving dinner?
A: I want another leg.

Q: Why did the Waukegan Airport annex the turkey farm?
A: They wanted the planes full on thanksgiving.

Q: Why did the the thanksgiving turkey stay away from the Mundelein outdoor marijuana festival?
A: Everyone was getting baked.

Q: What did the thanksgiving turkey who got stopped driving the wrong way in a Lake County roundabout say?
A: Nothing. Turkeys do not talk.
First prize is a butterball turkey. You may pick up your prize at traffic court.

Saturday, November 18, 2023

It is Happening Again

steady, aim, fire
Did anyone really think the McHenry County Man who shot himself in the foot was just going to walk away from it all?

Last week the McHenry County Man shot himself in the foot in Des Plaines:
Police: Woman's gun goes off in car, hits boyfriend outside Rivers Casino
And now, less than a week later, he shot himself in the foot in Mount Prospect:
The victim was taken to a hospital for treatment of what police called a nonlife-threatening injury.
Man shot in leg Sunday night in Mount Prospect
McHenry County Man confirms the old adage: It doesn't matter where you go in life. All that matters is that your weapon is loaded.

Monday, November 13, 2023

Even If You Could Run, You Can't Hide

Dance, you varmint!
The McHenry County Man who shot himself in the foot is playing them close to the vest:
A shooting outside Rivers Casino in Des Plaines early Saturday turned out to be an accident where a woman's gun went off and hit her boyfriend, police said.
Police: Woman's gun goes off in car, hits boyfriend outside Rivers Casino
In an effort to evade scrutiny, the McHenry County Man had ...
  • Relocated to Des Plaines
  • Identified as female
  • The foot that was shot belongs to a boyfriend
Despite all that, the McHenry County Man was apprehended by the police. They said the McHenry County Man took a gun out of her purse, ...
"when the gun fired striking her boyfriend in the leg," police said. The man suffered non-life-threatening injuries, police said.
Police: Woman's gun goes off in car, hits boyfriend outside Rivers Casino
Note to Ops: There is no point in trying to cover your tracks when you shoot yourself in the foot.

Wednesday, November 8, 2023

You Can't Spell Long Grove Without Noel

don't eat the fake snow
Tis that special time of the year again, anticipated and beloved by everyone throughout Lake County. Of course, that joyous season your LakeCountyEye refers to is the Countdown to Christmas 2023 on the Hallmark Channel.

If you are lucky you may already have that special feeling that you are living in a Hallmark Christmas Movie. And if so, that means you are resident of Long Grove. They were filming another Hallmark Christmas Movie in Long Grove, last month:
'A town straight out of a Hallmark movie': Long Grove provides perfect setting for new Hulu rom-com
The IMDb says the movie is a remake of the 1957 epic WWII film The Bridge on the River Kwai.

"The plot tracks the labors of allied POWs, who build a covered bridge on the perilous "coffin" road. Only to witness the bridge's destruction in a thrilling climax. A supply train fails to heed a warning that the covered bridge has a razor-thin 8 ft. 6 in. clearance."

Spoiler alert, the Lake County exploding bomb train makes a cameo appearance.

Friday, November 3, 2023

Hit the Streets

Did you know that there once were flying cars that flew like airplanes? Those are all extinct now. The last flying car, sadly, had to stop for a red-light at 5,000 feet.

So it should come as no surprise that an airplane landed on a road in Cary last week:
A flight student got quite the lesson Monday morning when her instructor was forced to make an emergency landing on Cary-Algonquin Road in Cary.
Flight instructor makes emergency landing on two-lane road in Cary during lesson
In related news, Waukegan National Airport annexed Cary-Algonquin Road for an emergency runway.

Sunday, October 29, 2023

The Amen Corner

The tinfoil theocrats McHenry County Blog do not have a prayer. Not if that prayer was from the Illinois House of Representatives.

Muslim clerics recited (in Arabic) the opening prayer for the General Assembly in Springfield. But the idea did not inspire much Christian charity from the McHenry County Blog:

One spokesman for God said: "They should be reading prayers from the Bible, which was written in English."

Tuesday, October 24, 2023

Wham, Bam, Mammogram

Ladies, Lake County State Rep Martin McLaughlin has your back!

October is breast cancer awareness month. Be sure to schedule your mammogram:

Only be sure not to go to a conveniently located family planning clinic where a mammogram can be scheduled at a minimal cost. Martin McLaughlin wants to see those shut down: Note to Ops: Martin McLaughlin may have your back but that doesn't mean he has your uterus.

Thursday, October 19, 2023

The Ninth Circle

Stay on the straight and narrow.
Been experiencing dizziness lately? You're not alone. Lake County has a new roundabout:
Lake County's ninth roundabout near Wauconda opens early
With it being the 21st Century and everything, Lake County is all in on traffic circles. A roundabout will efficiently move vehicles through an intersection and at a fraction of the cost -- what's not to like? Nothing, not to mention all the things to like. Of which there are ten:
10 Off-Label Benefits of a Lake County Traffic Circle
  1. The Waukegan Airport can annex it for a circular runway.

  2. Trucks will crash in the roundabout before crashing into the Long Grove bridge.

  3. Call it the Route 53 Extension. Solve all of your traffic problems.*

  4. Host the next GOP Presidential debate there. It can be promoted as the Circular Firing Squad.

  5. Waukegan casino? No dice. Instead play roundabout roulette.

  6. Prototype the new Six Flags thrill ride.

  7. A totally tubular spot for an outdoor marijuana festival.

  8. Install some red-light cameras and the roundabout pays for itself.

  9. All-purpose Mexican Independence Day parade route.

  10. Make it a TIF district. Because you can.

* This joke circa 2007.
Look for your LakeCountyEye circling, near you.

Sunday, October 15, 2023

Bust Your Bridges

If you can dream it...
The truck that crashes into the Long Grove bridge failed to crash into the Long Grove bridge. The vehicle crashed into the Metra bridge on Route 45 instead:
Semi-truck strikes bridge, leads to three-vehicle crash near Libertyville
In related news, the Lake County exploding bomb train failed to explode on the Route 45 Metra bridge.

The McHenry County man who shot himself in the foot but failed to shoot himself in the foot was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, October 10, 2023

School Colors

Actual unretouched screencaps from Lake County's #1 fakenews source, the Lake County Gazette:

Next from the Lake County Gazette: "The Supreme Court repealed Roe v Wade. Why not Brown v Board of the Education?"

Thursday, October 5, 2023

The Drinking Party

Approved by Vladimir Putin
It's time to play Truth or Dare!
Question: What would you do for free beer?

Answer: Join the Republicans.
HaHa, last week nearly 50 mostly uncommitted Republican voters gathered in Barrington for a debate-watch party.
Second Republican debate fails to impress uncommitted GOP voters
Is that the truth? There can't be 50 Republican voters in Lake County, let alone in Barrington. How does anyone scare up 50 GOP voters for a debate watch party?

Well, this is how it is done. You give away free booze:
As the wine and beer kept flowing, the watch party became more "party" than "watch."
Second Republican debate fails to impress uncommitted GOP voters
The technique of sweettalking your voters with free liquor is as old as the Republic itself:
George Washington Plied Voters with Booze
Note to Ops: Do not try this on election day.

Saturday, September 30, 2023

The Last Leg of the Trip

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay!
The McHenry County man who shot himself in the foot stumbled into the spider-verse last week and he is now the Mexico man who shot himself in the foot:
An investigation is continuing in Mexico after a man was injured in a shots fired incident Sunday, September 24, 2023.
Mexico Man Reportedly Shoots Himself In The Foot In Shots Fired Incident
One tourism brochure said: "If you are going to shoot yourself in the foot, by all means do it in Mexico. Where lethal high-caliber AR-15 assault weapons are illegal."

Does the 2nd Amendment guarantee an American in Mexico the right to carry an assault weapon?

McHenry County States Attorney Patrick Kenneally
McHenry County state’s attorney files lawsuit against Illinois ‘assault weapon,’ high-capacity magazine ban
... was unavailable for comment.

Monday, September 25, 2023

Keep on Trumpin'

Question of the Day:
Who is Mark Shaw?
Former Chair of the Lake County Republicans.
Bonus Question:
Who is the Lake County Republicans?
HaHa, Mark Shaw has signed on to the Trump campaign:
Mark Shaw, a long-standing Illinois GOP leader, is joining Donald Trump's presidential campaign as a political adviser.
Here is a picture of Mark Shaw with an AR-15 assault weapon and Mr & Mrs Joe Walsh. The assault weapon is in the middle:
A spokesman for the campaign said "Mark Shaw will be on a mission to scare up some Lake County votes for Donald Trump in 2024".

Wednesday, September 20, 2023

Must Bust in Early May Orders from the DA

market forces
Honorary Lake County Republican Patrick Kenneally wants bigger, not fewer, nanny-state. Kenneally, the McHenry County States Attorney, has mandated that local shop owners post signs which warn that their products ...
may contribute to mental health problems, including psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia, increased thoughts of suicide and suicide attempts, anxiety, and depression. Risk is greatest for frequent users.
McHenry Co. Dispensaries To Warn Of Mental Health Risks
Did Kenneally intend these signs for gun shops? No, they are meant for marijuana dispensaries.

Despite the fact that gun violence is an ongoing public health crisis, Kenneally is not demanding to see warning signs in gun shops. In fact, Patrick Kenneally, opposes sensible gun control legislation and has taken measures to make it easier to purchase an AR 15 assault weapon in a gun shop:
McHenry County state’s attorney files lawsuit against Illinois ‘assault weapon,’ high-capacity magazine ban
What up with that?

One public watchdog told your LakeCountyEye: "Everyone in McHenry County was home-schooled. So logical consistency is not a high priority with the voters there."

Friday, September 15, 2023

Drugstore Cowboys

smoke'em if you got'em
Those who observed Patrick Kenneally at the Miracle in Mundelein have been asked to notify the concert organizers. You were having some awesome hallucinations and they want to know what kind of weed you were smoking.

HaHa, the last person anyone would expect to see at an outdoor marijuana party would be McHenry County States Attorney Patrick Kenneally. He says marijuana has no medical benefits and users instead face risks to their mental health. As States Attorney, Kenneally
threatened to sue dispensaries if they do not remove references to the medical benefits of marijuana from their marketing and add signage "to warn customers of the mental health dangers associated with use, including psychosis, depression and suicidal ideation."
Medical marijuana users push back on McHenry County state's attorney's stance
Of course, an election is coming and being tough on drugs is a proven Republican vote-getter. But it should be noted that Patrick Kenneally is also tough on guns -- in the sense of being tough on anyone who supports reasonable gun control:
The McHenry County state's attorney on Thursday filed a lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of Illinois' ban on "assault weapons" and high-capacity magazines.
McHenry County state’s attorney files lawsuit against Illinois "assault weapon," high-capacity magazine ban
It's one thing if McHenry County voters are armed with AR-15 assault weapons. But another thing entirely if those McHenry County gun owners were also psychotic or depressed or given over to suicidal ideation.

Especially with an election year coming up.

Monday, September 11, 2023

Miracle Drugs

dead heads
That giant sucking sound you heard this weekend was a throng of pot smokers in Mundelein:
this weekend will mark a new experience in Illinois: a cannabis concert where smoking weed is legal. The Miracle in Mundelein, an outdoor music festival Saturday and Sunday headlining stoner rappers Cypress Hill, will not only allow but encourage cannabis consumption.
Miracle in Mundelein brings legal cannabis consumption to concerts in what could be part of an emerging trend
HaHa, perhaps with the assumption that Canadian wildfires would mask any incriminating odors, the Village of Mundelein gave their OK to a concert with open marijuana consumption.

Your LakeCountyEye has learned, in fact, that officials have submitted an application to the County for a new Mundelein Village motto:
The Mile High City
Not to be caught flatfooted, the Mundelein Backyard Chicken Association issued a statement saying they will no longer sell denver omelets. Instead they will be selling mile-high omelets.

Note to Ops: If you have a yard waste pickup this week expect a high volume of seeds and stems.

Wednesday, September 6, 2023

Pen and Lentil

It is quite possible that the Chicago Tribune Creepy Cartoonist™ observed Labor Day by paying a visit to his labor attorney. Why? Because the Creepy Tribune Cartoonist™ is not the only grand guignol creator on the Trib editorial page. The Chicago Tribune has been publishing submissions from the Creepy Cartoonist's Evil Twin™ as well:
And not only that but his Evil Twin™ is also stealing ideas from the Tribune Creepy Cartoonist™, like this picture:
Note to Ops: Is someone stealing your IP? Don't get mad get even. Submit your drawing of Audrey Jr eating your Evil Twin™:
Oh Snap!

Friday, September 1, 2023

Ask Me No Questions I’ll Tell You No Lies

If the #1 rule every attorney must follow is "never ask a question you don't know the answer to" then the Lake County Gazette may be Rudy Giuliani. An actual unretouched screencap of headlines from Lake County's #1 fakenews source, the Lake County Gazette:
Note to Ops: If you have to ask, you'll never know.

Sunday, August 27, 2023

Don't Have a Cow

Der Ring des Nibelungen
Has your B.S. detector been chirping lately? At random intervals? Those may be false alarms:
Barrington Hills police are urging caution and asking for the public's help in locating a stray bull that was last seen in the area of Route 62 and Old Sutton Road.
Barrington Hills police warn of stray bull near Route 62 and Old Sutton Road
Barefoot runners are being asked to exercise extreme caution.

A spokesman for Tyson the Bison said that "Mr Bison's lawyer has spoken to the Sheriff and at present Mr Bison is not a suspect in the case".

Note to Ops: No sacred cows were harmed in the production of this story.

Wednesday, August 23, 2023

White is the New Black

Pop Quiz! Put on your thinking caps:
Question: Are you a white guy?
Don't know? The McHenryCountyBlog posted some guidelines from the National Museum of African American History and Culture:

Which begs the question: Are the tinfoil theocrats at the McHenryCountyBlog white guys? Let's find out ...

The McHenryCountyBlog would prefer to have a two-tiered justice system:
White guys, however, think no man is above the law:
The McHenryCountyBlog are COVID anti-vaxxers:
The McHenryCountyBlog are also global-warming deniers:
White guys, however, believe in science:
The evidence is irrefutable: There may not be any white guys at the McHenryCountyBlog!