Thursday, February 6, 2014

Are You Self-Unemployed?

the virtual tip jarLike a bride left at the altar, your LakeCountyEye was all dressed up only to learn, unceremoniously, the Grayslake unemployment office is closing. The News-Sun certainly knew all the better:
In part of an ongoing effort to have more unemployment claims handled electronically, the Illinois Department of Employment Services (IDES) will close its office on the College of Lake County campus in Grayslake before its lease at the site runs out this year, possibly as early as this spring.
Employment services to close Grayslake office
Reluctant to waste a cab fare, your LakeCountyEye took the opportunity to see Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Leisure Time Studies, in his office at the College of Lake County.

"Ya," said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "the CLC unemployment office will be shut down like a ramen noodle roller coaster on a rainy day. I've been told that the closure was necessitated by a sudden decline in applicants. Unemployment in Lake County is approaching zero percent."

Your LakeCountyEye's eyes must've got wide.

"Haha PSYCHE!" guffawed Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Unemployment in Lake County is somewhere in the vicinity of 99%. If I wasn't a tenured professor here, unemployment in Lake County would be a perfect 100%. A true statistic."

Your LakeCountyEye did not know that.

"And this is the most startling fact our research uncovered:" continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "The minute the workers at the CLC unemployment office lose their jobs, unemployment will exceed 100% in Lake County! The unanswered question is -- OK where do these workers go to file for their unemployment benefits?"

Your LakeCountyEye's brain hurts.

"Well, I have a hunch." whispered Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi in a conspiratorial tone. "The plan all along is to encourage the jobless in Lake County to file for their benefits up in Wisconsin. That would save the State of Illinois a caboodle. This, by the way, is off-the-record."

Your LakeCountyEye's lips are sealed. The cab driver outside was leaning on the horn. Did Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice for the ops?

"Absolutely. We predict that medical marijuana cultivation & distribution -- along with concealed-carry training & licensing -- will be our #1 and #2 growth industries. Expect to see full-employment in Lake County by the end of fiscal year 2014."

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