Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Q the Eye/10.12.11

Dear LakeCountyEye,

As a holder of high office I would prefer it not be known that I am seeking your advice. Accordingly I will be obscuring my predicament.

In a nutshell my ex/separated/ball-and-chain spouse is suing me for divorce/child support/battery. As you can imagine, the news has not helped my political career. Any advice for a go-getting meteoric up-and-comer like myself would be appreciated.

Seeking help, mate, from a helpmate!

Dear Bitter Half,

HorusYou've come to the right place. Your LakeCountyEye has more exes than an Internet porno domain.

The solution to your predicament is simple: just declare total, thermo-nuclear legal war on that recalcitrant spousal-unit of yours. And be sure to do it in public. Send a press release, for instance, to the Sun-Times ...
U.S. Rep. Joe Walsh (R-Ill.) says he hasn't paid his court-ordered child support because he and his ex-wife reached a "verbal agreement" three years ago that he could stop paying her child support.
Rep. Joe Walsh: I had ‘verbal’ deal not to pay child support
Also be sure to pull no punches in that press release:
  • Yesterday as he has promised to do from the start, Congressman Walsh continued to fight, through the legal system, the untrue allegations by his ex-wife Laura Walsh.
  • By blatantly and knowingly submitting false information in her pleading Laura Walsh and her attorney's not only broke Illinois state law, but it is clear that the only point in submitting these allegations was an attempt to tarnish the Congressman's reputation.
  • In fact for almost a full year while Laura Walsh was making $140,000 a year and living in another state, Mr. Walsh provided full time residential custodial care for his youngest son, despite making significantly less money than Laura Walsh.
And make sure the media knows that you refuse to engage your ex in a high-profile media war:
  • "I do know that I won't engage this case in the media, I won't do that to my children and I won't do that to the mother of my children."
Ha ha, j/k, your LakeCountyEye obviously made all of this stuff up. Operatives of every stripe (even those from McHenry County) know that no elected official of any stripe would be crazy enough to fight their domestic battles in public like that -- via legal proceedings and press releases. Unless they were bent on committing political harakiri or something.

The sane thing to do, of course, is cut a deal with all the exes and get them to endorse your candidacy. It goes without saying the goose won't be laying many more golden eggs if the goose is not re-elected. You can even post a video on YouTube ...
Scott Lee Cohen's ex-wife
The voters eat up these heartfelt kumbaya moments.

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ...

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