Sunday, March 14, 2010

March Madness

With the Illinois jobless rate mired at a seismic 219%, the Democratic Party's job posting for a Lieutenant Governor candidate couldn't have come at a better time. More than a quarter million applicants -- roughly the turnout at an average Scott Lee Cohen job fair -- have applied for the coveted position. The starting salary of the Illinois Lieutenant Governor is somewhere north of $115,000. The primary responsibilities of the office are to make like a stooge and recede. A complete list of nominees is at the Illinois Democrats website:
Democratic Lieutenant Governor Nomination
Warning: if you are like your LakeCountyEye and partake of a free dial-up Internet service, the page may take a seismic 219 hours to load.

The Democrats will choose a lucky winner in Springfield on March 27. But applicants are advised not to buy their Greyhound tickets just yet. The Daily Herald reports that ...
the present plan is to convene four meetings throughout the state on March 20 to allow the prospective nominees to present their credentials for the job.
Democrats to pick Quinn's running mate March 27
Applicants will participate in a single-elimination tournament. Those lucky or well-connected enough to make it to one of the four March 20 quarter-final rounds will have a chance participate in the March 27 Springfield Final Four playoffs. Bracketologists have informed your LakeCountyEye that chances of making it to the Final Four are roughly 60,000 to 1. Those LakeCountyEye operatives hoping to be Illinois's next Bob Kustra are advised to arrive early with their credentials!

All applicants will be expected to observe NCAA Tournament Rules:
  1. To be a fair stand-up boxing match in a 24-foot ring, or as near that size as practicable.
  2. No wrestling or hugging allowed.
  3. The rounds to be of three minutes duration, and one minute's time between rounds.
  4. If either man falls through weakness or otherwise, he must get up unassisted, 10 seconds to be allowed him to do so, the other man meanwhile to return to his corner, and when the fallen man is on his legs the round is to be resumed and continued until the three minutes have expired. If one man fails to come to the scratch in the 10 seconds allowed, it shall be in the power of the referee to give his award in favour of the other man.
  5. A man hanging on the ropes in a helpless state, with his toes off the ground, shall be considered down.
  6. No seconds or any other person to be allowed in the ring during the rounds.
  7. Should the contest be stopped by any unavoidable interference, the referee to name the time and place as soon as possible for finishing the contest; so that the match must be won and lost, unless the backers of both men agree to draw the stakes.
  8. The gloves to be fair-sized boxing gloves of the best quality and new.
  9. Should a glove burst, or come off, it must be replaced to the referee's satisfaction.
  10. A man on one knee is considered down and if struck is entitled to the stakes.
  11. That no shoes or boots with spikes or sprigs be allowed.
  12. The contest in all other respects to be governed by revised London Prize Ring Rules.
The Judge's decision is final.

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