Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Grateful Debate

There is simply no debating it, Lake County is in the grip of debate fever. Every operative knows it's that time of the year again, just weeks before an election. A time when desperate office seekers dream about throwing that hail-mary-pass against their opponent in a debate, turning the agony of defeat into the jaws of victory. While their opponents, recumbent in their incumbency, are all like: sure let's debate, my people and your people can work out the details some time after the election.

Note to Ops making odds: candidate poll numbers are inversely proportional to who shows up to debate and who does not. Given this sort of dyspeptic electoral dialectic, your LakeCountyEye is perennially surprised that political debates ever get held at all. And yet debate they will. With upcoming debates throughout the area too numerous to mention, and your LakeCountyEye too lazy to enumerate, here instead are 10 do's and don't's every political debater needs to know.

Debating in Lake County: 10 Tips, Tricks & Pitfalls

  1. Do not duck a question by invoking your 5th Amendment privilege.

  2. It never hurts to open with a lighthearted anecdote: I just drove in on the Rte 53 Extension and boy are my arms tired!

  3. Remember to phrase your response in the form of a question.

  4. The League of Women Voters is not the political arm of the Justice League of America.

  5. Do not use your Ask-the-Audience lifeline.

  6. Never say: I do not recall.
    Note: Buffalo Grove trustee candidate debate only.

  7. Deploy a goon in the parking lot to steal your opponent's car magnets.

  8. Never greet your opponent by saying "May I call you Willard?" Unless your opponent is named Willard.

  9. Commit this phrase to memory:
    I will dedicate my reign to pursuing the goal of world peace.

  10. Where are your manners? Tip the debate moderator.

Watch for your LakeCountyEye in your next scheduled debate, asking the vital questions: "Can every candidate who will pledge tonight to stop beating their domestic partner, show us all a fist pump?"

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