Monday, November 9, 2009

Q the Eye/11.09.09

Dear LakeCountyEye,

How do you get someone to notice you? I'm a good looking young guy, popular and sought-after. Divorce papers all signed & sealed. The most successful politician in the Illinois GOP should have the pick of anyone he wants. But for all she cares I might as well be some octogenarian who couldn't beat a domestic terrorist from Kenya to be President of the United States.
If you want to make me cry that won't be so hard to do.
And if you should say goodbye I'll go on loving you.
Each night I ask the stars up above,
Why must I be a Congressman in love?
How can life be so cruel? Help me before it's too late!

A Palin Imitation Of What I Used To Be

Dear Sarah Incognita,

Ah there is nothing sadder than unrequited love. Well, it is sadder if the soul being dusted happens to be their party's marquee candidate. But you've come to the right place. Your LakeCountyEye takes the loathing out of lothario when it comes to the ways of l'amour and has the bounced support payment checks to prove it.

Navigating the path to your true-love's heart can be as winding and fraught with pitfalls as doing the daily 294 commute. Your LakeCountyEye has been told you're not the only swain pining for this special lady's affections and if you pass someone on your way, stalled flat-footed on the off-ramp, his story is worth pondering. This ham-fisted politician thought all he needed to do was fire off a memo to Republican matchmaker/fixer-upper Fred Malek with hopes of arranging a tryst ...
Governor Palin is scheduled to appear on Oprah November 16th in Chicago. The Chicago media will focus on one key issue: does Gov. Palin oppose Congressman Mark Kirk’s bid to take the Obama Senate seat for the Republicans? We would hope Gov. Palin could say something quick and decisive
Chicago Tribune
Now what was this pol expecting, a romantic rendezvous in Oprah's green room? Quick, decisive and wrong!

OK, so much for the foreplay, time to get busy. Sure the Internet has plenty of advice on how to make it to first-base -- wikiHow -- but, well how shall your LakeCountyEye put this tactfully? Surely everyone recalls the Mamas and the Papas who sang ...
Words of love, so soft and tender
Won't win a girl's heart anymore.
If you love her then you must send her
Somewhere where she's never been before.
And everyone, even back then in the 60s, snickered when they heard that line you must send her because they knew it was code for something.

Well, in 2009, it is code for you must send her 25 large. That's right, $25,000. More precisely $25,000 is your opening bid for that candlelit night of sweet rapture. On eBay. Uh huh, your inamorata is selling her services her affections access on eBay. Read all about it at HuffPo if you don't believe your LakeCountyEye.

Who ever said pay-to-play was dead in Illinois politics? And why are you wasting time reading this, son? The sooner you get your campaign contributors to pony up the $25,000 the sooner she will be whispering something quick and decisive in your ear.

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ...

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