Monday, March 16, 2015

World's Oldest Confession

News-Sun readers last week were asked to share this tag-line with friends:
Another Lake County conviction is set to be thrown out.
DNA clears Lake County man serving 20 years for abduction, rape
a stealth tax One minute you're free -- the next you're doing 20-to-life for something you didn't do. Is it safe to leave your home in Lake County? Your LakeCountyEye asked the expert, Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Free Legal Advice the College of Lake County.

"We're giving these away." said Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. He handed your LakeCountyEye a bumper-sticker:
False convictions are the new-normal, observed your LakeCountyEye.

"Absolutely." said Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "And there are a few commonsense measures that you the taxpayer can observe to protect yourself."

Your LakeCountyEye wanted to be told more.

"If they don't have any evidence, the easiest way for them to get a false conviction," explained Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "is with a false confession. So just don't confess to anything."

Easier said than done, your LakeCountyEye thought out loud.

"Ya, if you're down in the station house, and under interrogation," continued Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "they will wear you out until they got you confessing to the Lindbergh kidnapping, Jimmy Hoffa or Jack the Ripper."

What can someone like your LakeCountyEye do?

"That's easy." smiled Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "If they haven't charged you, don't go down to the station house."


"Well," chuckled Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "you can start by not returning their calls. And if they do reach you, just say you're not available for the next 3 or 4 months. Tell them you have Ebola or something."

Your LakeCountyEye was taken aback. Investigators typically solicit information to help them resolve a possible crime.

Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi frowned. "You haven't been paying attention, have you? They are throwing a dragnet. If it happens to be you that gets caught, everyone gets to go home early."

Not a pleasant thought.

"Sure, go talk with them, if you prefer." continued Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "But meet on neutral territory -- never go to the station house."

Meet, like, at your place of residence?

"Haha." laughed Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Too funny."

What was your LakeCountyEye thinking?

"Go somewhere public." said Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "Meet at Chuck-E-Cheese -- any place with a bouncer in case things get out of hand."


"That's perfect." grinned Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Who's gonna hear what anyone says there anyways, over all the noise? And make sure they pay for the pepperoni rolls."

Your LakeCountyEye heard enough, and quite well. Did Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice?

"Tell your Operatives that I'm a licensed bondsman. If they mention your name I'll give them a professional discount."

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