Monday, March 24, 2014

Your God-Given Right

... when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.Put away the BlackBerrys, it's time for another Op Quiz™:
Your name is on the Illinois ballot for a congressional race. But since you condemn abortion, condemn same-sex marriage, and assert that climate change is not caused by human activity, your Party wants you to withdraw your candidacy. Which Party do you represent?

Haha, trick question, the answer is the Republican Party.
GOP leaders are asking Susanne Atanus to withdraw from the 9th District congressional race. According to the Daily Herald:
"The Cook County Republican Organization believes that Atanus should drop out of the race," said Chairman Aaron Del Mar on Thursday. "Her behavior, comments and decisions do not reflect that of the Cook County Republican Party."
GOP asks — again — for Atanus to quit 9th Congressional race
Atanus is being black-balled for the same reasons mentioned: she is anti-abortion, anti-gay, denies global-warming. Was the Illinois Republican Party forcibly annexed, and is now the newest province of the Bizarro World? To help explain away teh crazy, your LakeCountyEye visited Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Political Correctness at the College of Lake County.

"There is no mystery why GOP honchos want to show Susanne Atanus the door." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "She is a heretic in their minds."

Your LakeCountyEye did not expect to hear a word like heretic.

"Ya." continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "You can be anti-abortion and anti-gay and a global-warming denier and still be a member in good standing of the Republican Party. In fact, in today's GOP, those are all litmus tests for getting in. But Atanus is saying that abortions and the gays are making God angry and He's been retaliating back by making extreme weather. That's why she's persona non grata among fellow Republicans."

Your LakeCountyEye was confused: wasn't the GOP the Party of God?

"No question." Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi replied. "These days only a God-fearing candidate has any chance of being elected -- I can't think of one atheist who holds a high office in Illinois. But the devil is in the details. It is one thing to pay lip service to your faith in the Almighty. It's another thing entirely if that God you believe in is predisposed to rain pestilence and disease down upon His enemies, not to mention the innocent bystanders. That's why GOP elders want to see Atanus excommunicated off the ballot."

A lightbulb went off above your LakeCountyEye. This is actually a theological dispute.

"Your read my mind." chuckled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "There's a huge fault-line running through the Illinois GOP -- a schism divides the Easter Sunday church-goers and the Old Testament fundamentalists."

That sounded vaguely biblical to your LakeCountyEye.

"Ya." smiled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "If Susanne Atanus is guilty of any sin, it's really believing in what she says."

Too crazy. Did Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice?

"Absolutely. Tell your operatives that if it ever starts raining locusts or frogs, head immediately for Wisconsin."

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