Lake County's Sans a Commission

That giant sucking sound you hear is a collective sigh of relief coming from Lake County. The Lake County Election Commission has been ruled unconstitutional, sparing voters here the burden of having to participate in fair and transparent elections. Predictably, the Daily Herald is not not-amused about Judge David Akemann's decision:

The law sought to impose the election panel on "any county with a population of more than 700,000 persons ... that borders another state and borders no more than 2 other Illinois counties," a description that fits just one of Illinois' 102 counties — Lake. Akemann found that, in violation of constitutional prohibitions against legislation written for an isolated locality, there was nothing in that particular combination of factors — population and borders with other states or counties — to cry out for an election commission, and his conclusion seems indisputable.
Editorial: Election commission ruling not just an issue of semantics

When conclusions seem indisputable, your LakeCountyEye turns to the one expert capable of turning order into chaos, and in the wink of an eye -- Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Unconstitutional Law at the College of Lake County.

Your LakeCountyEye ran into Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi on the Motor-Voter line at the Secretary of State's office, where he was chuckling to himself: "Ya, the Lake County party bosses got some downstate Corn County judge to say the new Election Commission is unconstitutional. But a ruling like that opens up a giant can of worms."

Your LakeCountyEye was confused. A giant can of worms?

"Ya, even bigger than the jumbo size cans you see at Sam's Club." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "There are hundreds of laws on the books written specifically for an isolated locality in Illinois." He produced from his Backstreet Boys backpack an edition of the Illinois Compiled Statutes, and rattled off a few examples:

The county clerk in counties of 3,000,000 or more inhabitants ...
35 ILCS 200/9-45

In counties with 3,000,000 or more inhabitants, no person shall ...
35 ILCS 200/21-220

In counties of 2,000,000 or more inhabitants, the regional superintendent may ...
105 ILCS 5/3-11

... except in counties of 1,500,000 or more inhabitants where there shall be standing objections to all such petitions.
730 ILCS 5/3-3-4

"All of these laws are written for one unnamed County." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Are they unconstitutional? Should they thrown off the books?"

Your LakeCountyEye speculated that could be a good thing.

"A good thing?!" replied Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Which county do you think these laws are all talking about? More than 1,500,000 -- 2,000,000 -- 3,000,000 inhabitants?"

Your LakeCountyEye knew the answer to that one ... Cook County?

"No flies on you today." chortled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "If they scrapped all of these laws, the government of Cook County would instantly implode into a 300 foot burning pile of stolen tires. Would that be a good thing?"

Your LakeCountyEye wasn't sure.

"Then imagine," continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi "lawless & savage gangs of feral Cook County hooligans, in their gangsta SUVs, executing raids north of Lake-Cook Road, plundering all of our womenfolk and tax-free cigarettes. Not a pretty thought?"

Your LakeCountyEye could only think about ... feral Cook County hooligans?

"Oh, I think you know who I am talking about." deadpanned Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Have you ever seen Inverness? It's in Barrington Township."

Your LakeCountyEye decided the interview was over and asked if there was any parting advice.

"Absolutely." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Tell your operatives that if they wake up some morning and find that all of their tax-free cigarettes and womenfolk are gone, they will know who to blame!"