Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Boom Goes the Dynamite

As sure as your LakeCountyEye is a two-finger typist, fireworks are illegal in Lake County. In fact they are verboten in the entire State, as Illinoisans have to cross porous borders to remote locales -- like Hammond, Indiana -- if they want to celebrate the Fourth of July the way the Founders intended.

Independence Day is your LakeCountyEye's favorite federal holiday.  Everyone gets to wave a flag and declare love-of-country and proclaim their patriotism, just like the real politicians do. And, of course, it is a once-in-a-year opportunity to risk life or limb for the sake of 5 or 10 minutes of pyrotechnic tomfoolery.

With the Fourth of July nigh, your LakeCountyEye has surveyed the theater of operations and compiled a list of the best fireworks available on Lake County's black-powder market. They can be counted on the fingers of at least two hands:
Lake County's Ten Most Awesomest 2013 Fourth of July Fireworks
1. The Route 53 Explosion
2. The Rockets Red Light Camera Glare
3. The Zion Nuclear Bomb
4. The Traditional Marriage Underminer
Available in Rep District 51
5. The Route 83 M-80
6. Six Conflagrations Over Great America
7. The Navy Seal of Disapproval
Available in Waukegan
8. Bangs Lake
9. Lake County Emergency Management Agency Dirty Bomb
10. The AR-15 Assault Rifle
Not Available in Highland Park, Deerfield, North Chicago
Look for your LakeCountyEye, throwing bombs.

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