Thursday, February 11, 2010

Quinn, Place or Show?

Your LakeCountyEye thinks the next MegaMillions prize on offer should be Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor. Don't laugh oh operatives of little faith. The Illinois deficit is $13 billion. Your LakeCountyEye calculates that at a buck a ticket there are at least that many people who have shown an interest in being Pat Quinn's running mate. As a bonus, the laws of blind chance deem it a virtual certainty that the lucky winner will be better qualified than Scott Lee Cohen was. A win-win for everyone -- put your LakeCountyEye down for a sawbuck!

Of course, your LakeCountyEye is not writing this post with the goal of making light of the office of the Illinois Lieutenant Governor. Instead, your LakeCountyEye intends to get down to the serious work of handicapping the field. Scott Lee Cohen put the Surprise! back in the Democratic Party. So count on the Democratic honchos picking a well-known party insider to replace him. There are a couple dozen possible nominee names being bandied'bout the blogosphere. Which of these are the best candidates? Your LakeCountyEye couldn't care less. Who is the likely nominee? Well, let's make book!

100000 to 1
ContenderRichard Daley
StatsMayor of Chicago, 67
PlusWould bring Olympics to Illinois
MinusOh as if he even returns Quinn's calls
BookGood for delivering 3 or 4 million votes
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

50000 to 1
ContenderRoland Burris
StatsUS Senator, 72
PlusBorn for the part
MinusNo room for Lieutenant Governor on tombstone
BookGood for delivering 3 or 4 votes
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

1000000 to 1
ContenderRod Blagojevich
StatsOusted Governor, 53
PlusImpeachment insurance for Quinn
MinusMaking license plates will eat into Lt Governor job time
BookAdds diversity to a follicly challenged ticket
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

1000 to 1
ContenderScott Lee Cohen
StatsFormer Lieutenant Governor Nominee, 44
PlusName Recognition
MinusTotal Asshat
BookHasn't filed the withdrawal papers yet
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

to 1
ContenderAlan Keyes
StatsFormer US Senate Candidate, 59
PlusWill work for any camera
MinusA loon
BookPlaya brings conservative street cred to the ticket
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

10000 to 1
ContenderGlenn Poshard
StatsPresident of Southern Illinois University, 64
Plus1998 Democratic Gubernatorial Candidate
MinusGlenn Who?
BookBubba brings conservative street cred to the ticket
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

500000 to 1
ContenderJack Ryan
StatsFormer US Senate Candidate, 50
PlusTook on Obama (101 days)
MinusRepublican named Ryan
BookEx-spouse good for delivering Trekkie vote
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

5000 to 1
ContenderTerry Link
StatsState Senator, 62
PlusGolfs with Obama
MinusVoters couldn't tell Link apart from Quinn in a smoke-free room
BookGood for delivering 40% of Lake County vote
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

even money
ContenderPat Quinn
StatsIllinois Governor, 61
PlusNo on the job training necessary
MinusIncrease in salary overtime might bust the budget
BookAdds nothing to the ticket
Cast Your Ballot! Place Your Bet!

10000000 to 1
ContenderSarah Palin
Stats2012 Presidential Nominee, 46
PlusPledges not to quit halfway
MinusPledges not to quit halfway
BookSavvy gender pick good for delivering feminist vote
Cast Your Ballot! Place You Betcha!

LakeCountyEye Operatives are asked to hand-deliver their wagers votes in an unmarked envelope. Representatives of law enforcement agencies are not eligible. Your LakeCountyEye can be contacted at your nearest video-poker boutique.

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