Thursday, September 26, 2013

Requiem in Pacem

more than just a band-aidHaha, there is no truth to the rumor that Lake County Sheriff Mark Curran has decided to run, instead, in the next election, for County Coroner. However, the unmisinformed sources have told your LakeCountyEye that the Lake County Board is planning to dissolve the Coroner's Office, and transfer its operation into the Sheriff's Department. This can be wrangled -- all legally -- with a binding ballot referendum in 2014.

Whether or not the Lake County voter is in a mergermania kind of mood, is entirely another question. One operative told your LakeCountyEye that Lake County voters will be in the mood after they are sold on the idea. He then rattled off a whole slew of reasons in favor of rolling the Coroner's Office up and into the Sheriff's Department. Your LakeCountyEye wrote down 10:
Ten Unassailable Reasons
Why the Lake County Sheriff Needs to be in Charge of the Coroner's Office
  1. The Coroner can carry a gun and get in cool shootouts, like on CSI.
  2. The County Paddy Wagon can be dual-purposed as the County Hearse.
  3. The County Jail would be the perfect place for a Halloween Haunted House.
  4. Day-to-day operation of the Coroner's Office can be outsourced to Walmart.
  5. Two Words: Alien Autopsy
  6. It will be much easier to arrest ghost voters.
  7. The accidental deaths in the County Jail can be transferred to the morgue more quickly.
  8. Seriously, how long would a zombie be able to hold out, like, inside a Sheriff's Office?
  9. That sound you hear is not bones rattling. It's a union being busted.
  10. The Lake County Board can make some political hack the Coroner. Just like in the good old days.
Look for your LakeCountyEye, in search of brains.

No comments: