Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Big Leak

Shocking revelations unearthed last week on this blog ...
Collision Course
have sent tremors the size of grapefruit-sized hailstones throughout Lake County. Proposed County projects to both extend Route 53 and to construct a Lake Michigan waterpipe will, if enacted, lead to an engineering disaster to rival the Tacoma Narrows Bridge.

Top-Secret cartographic evidence obtained from the WikiLeaks ...
... shows what Lake County officials have known for some time -- that the two projects are on an unavoidable collision course.
Route 53 and the Lake Michigan water pipe will not only collide, but the trainwreck is projected to occur within city limits of sleepy bedroom community Hawthorn Woods.

(Your LakeCountyEye has learned that a surf-and-turf war is already being waged by backers of the two projects. Rival construction crews have been billeted in what is to be a race to break ground within Hawthorn Woods. The construction project that is first to reach Hawthorn Woods will be the project that claims the right-of-way.)

Their image consultants have advised County officials to not comment on the leaked documents; in fact not to mention the word leak at all. These same officials, not surprisingly, are downplaying the embarrassing revelations.

Seepage, for instance, is projected to send thousands of gallons of Lake Michigan water into the Hawthorn Woods Aquatic Center. Which ironically is expected to keep the cash-strapped municipal water park out of dry-dock. County officials are touting benefits like these -- to offset criticism of a seemingly ill-advised scheme to pass a limited access highway through a freshwater aqueduct. Or vice-versa. Depending on who gets there first.

Ten More Anticipated Benefits from
Intersecting Route 53 with a Lake Michigan Water Pipe
  1. Road salt is a natural water softener.

  2. Holes to be punched in the water pipe; underneath will pass the Route 53 No-Touch Car-Wash.

  3. Route 53 to be renamed the Irrigation Superhighway.

  4. Nearby homes will be close to transportation. With a Lake Michigan view.

  5. Route 53 red light cameras to be under the jurisdiction of Maritime Law.

  6. Expect comical newspaper headlines when Asian cars collide with Asian carp.

  7. Build a Lake Michigan boat slip and that Tollway Oasis pays for itself.

  8. After accidents, clean-up crews can stage impromptu Fox Lake Water Fights.

  9. Lake County sales on Aqua-Cars expected to go through the roof.

  10. Illinois Tollway pirates will be required to staff Route 53 toll booths with actual pirates. Arrr!

It's turned out to be a nice day. Operatives cruising Route 53 are advised to keep an eye peeled for the LakeCountyEye Low-Speed Vehicle.

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