Write-Off Candidates

Does Donald Trump know everything you need to know about apes and the 2026 mid-term elections? If not, then what explains the monkey-shines going on with the GOP Primary in Illinois?

A GOP candidate for the 9th Congressional District has denied ever being arrested, despite evidence to the contrary:

A Republican candidate in Illinois' 9th Congressional District was arrested and charged with felony theft in Hawaii more than 20 years ago — but the case subsequently was dismissed and the arrest was expunged, public records and legal documents show.
GOP congressional candidate's 2001 theft case was dismissed and arrest was expunged, documents show

And a GOP candidate for the 11th Congressional District created a fake video featuring an endorsement from Donald Trump:

"Let me tell you something, folks, this guy right here — he's incredible," the fake Trump said. "I've seen a lot of hardworking people in my life, believe me, but this man — he works harder than anyone. He's honest, he's loyal and he doesn't quit."
GOP candidate deletes video of fake Trump endorsement

A spokesman for the Republican National Committee said: "These outstanding candidates, and others like them, are the reason we will hold our majorities in both houses of Congress. Any talk about cancelling the mid-term elections is mere idle speculation."

Brown, Delivered

No one expected to see Tedora M Brown on their bingo card. Even fewer expected to see her on their early-voting ballot. But there she is:

An Illinois appeals court on Friday reversed lower decisions and ordered Republican congressional candidate Tedora M. Brown's name to be added to 11th District ballots. The 1st District appellate court in Chicago ordered Brown "be placed on the ballot immediately." It also ordered the Illinois State Board of Elections to "take all steps necessary" to enforce the order.
GOP candidate wins appeal and slot on 11th Congressional District ballots; DuPage halts early voting as result

Tedora Brown had been removed from the Primary ballot after it was determined that her nominating petition was one signature below the minimum required. But a sympathetic judge ordered that signer to be released from ICE detention, and Brown is now back on.

HaHa, j/k. What actually happened was, the FBI seized her petition and conducted a scientific recount.

One political scientist said: "Tedora Brown has three Primary election opponents, all male. Unless one or more of those opponents identifies as gender-female, Brown wins in a landslide."

Lake County Clerk's Office USPS Announcement

Lake County Clerk's Office USPS Announcement

You Can't Spell NATIONALIZE Without ICE

It might not be a coincidence that Cleveland Ohio has the Cavaliers to conduct a full-court press. While Rocio Cleveland courts the press with her cavalier conduct:

The Republicans running to represent Illinois' 9th Congressional District are split on President Donald Trump's recent proposal to nationalize elections. Of the four GOP candidates, only Rocio Cleveland — an ardent Trump supporter who called the president "a real solid man, a real alpha male" — backed the idea.
Most GOP candidates for 9th Congressional seat oppose Trump's suggestion to nationalize elections

Lake County GOP favorite son Rocio Cleveland wants to be your next 9th District Congressman. Not to be outdone, Donald J Trump -- arguably America's first gangster president -- says that local elections should be run by the Federal Government.

Good idea, or merely "there are no stupid ideas"? One political scientist said: "Be careful what you wish for. Let's say Rocio Cleveland is elected to the 9th Congressional District. If that election was nationalized, the Justice Department would prosecute her for election fraud, and subsequently Donald Trump is appointed to the seat."

Bridge of Size XS

Did you hear the one about the ICE agent who set up a stakeout on Robert Parker Coffin Rd? He heard that the Long Grove Bridge is where the El Caminos and Eldorados get caught.
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HaHa, if Illinois was in Florida then another Florida man crashed into the Long Grove Bridge:

Yet another vehicle struck Long Grove's iconic covered bridge at Robert Parker Coffin Road Wednesday evening. Village officials said this is the 73rd strike since the bridge reopened in August 2020.
Long Grove's iconic covered bridge takes another smack

In related news, self-driving cars may become legal in Illinois:

A bill filed last week would authorize autonomous vehicle pilot programs in a handful of Illinois counties
Waymo-backed bill could make self-driving cars legal in Illinois in three years

Officials are confident this will significantly reduce the number of bridge crashes seen in Long Grove: "All of those self-driving Teslas on Illinois roads are going to blow up way before they get anywhere near the Long Grove Bridge."

You Can't Win If You Don't Get on the Ballot

If brown is the new black, then is Tedora M Brown the new Black Knight (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)? The Black Knight, who is comically dismembered in a sword fight, refuses to admit defeat. While Tedora Brown refuses to admit defeat after being removed from the ballot for the 11th Congressional District:

Brown's attorney said he filed an emergency appeal requesting an appellate court take the matter up quickly. Early voting in the March 17 primary starts Feb 5. "She's going to keep fighting"
Judge: GOP candidate shouldn't be on 11th District ballots due to signature shortage

In related news, Murder Incorporated the Trump Administration recently issued an executive order: Henceforth, any person who has been removed from the ballot will be subject to deportation. If you have been kicked off your ballot, you must report to an ICE Detention Facility where you will be extradited to a foreign prison forthwith.

Note to Ops: You can't make this stuff up anymore.