Saturday, September 19, 2015

A Force to Reckon

Powered by great big fans. Did you know that Illinois has two Springfields? There is the State Capital down somewhere in southern Illinois. And there is unincorporated Springfield up here in Lake County.

Few people know about Lake County's Springfield. Too small to appear on the map, its population is even dwarfed by its police force. To prove it, your LakeCountyEye met for donuts with Clancy Wiggum, Chief of Police in unincorporated Springfield.

"Ya." said Chief Wiggum. "There aren't any taxpayers here in Springfield. Our Department is totally self-funded. By the way, do you know how fast you were going?"

Your LakeCountyEye checked the Fitbit to find out.

"The entire force is now equipped with body cameras." boasted Chief Wiggum. "Those little badboys aren't cheap, but they're worth every nickel. Next time we get sued, we'll have our own video to show the jury!"

Aren't most lawsuits against Lake County law enforcement a result of DNA evidence?

"Got that covered." chuckled Chief Wiggum. "Our state-of-the-art mobile crimelab has a 12-month stockpile of DNA evidence."

State-of-the Art?

"Got the lab at a fire-sale with a six-to-one matching grant -- thankyou Homeland Security." beamed Chief Wiggum. "We also got body armor, assault weapons, night vision goggles, mine-resistant-ambush-protected vehicles, helicopters."

Quite an arsenal.

"Washington provides the tools. We provide the security." deadpanned Chief Wiggum. "I have a message for everyone. Badguys: you are not welcome in Springfield. Break the law here, and in one heartbeat we will come down on you harder than Custer on the Indians."

Word to the wise. Did Chief Wiggum have any parting advice?

"Be a good guy and remind your operatives that it is fall color season in Springfield. Why not make it into a long weekend? Springfield B&Bs honor all major credit cards!"

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