Saturday, August 16, 2014

Is Lake County Up in Arms?

choose your weaponSleep easy tonight. Your Lake County law enforcement agencies are armed to the teeth. According to the New York Times, Lake County police arsenals are awash in surplus military weaponry, and can boast no fewer than ...
  • 182 Assault Rifles
  • 77 Body Armor Pieces
  • 190 Night Vision Pieces
  • 7 Shotguns
  • 32 Pistols
  • 2 Mine-Resistant Vehicles
  • 2 Other Armored Vehicles
  • 8 Helicopters
State and local police departments obtain some of their military-style equipment through a free Defense Department program created in the early 1990s.
Mapping the Spread of the Military’s Surplus Gear
Is a mine-resistant vehicle a terrible thing to waste? For the answer to this and other loaded questions, your LakeCountyEye visited Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Mutual Assured Destruction at the College of Lake County.

The metal detector there seemed to be on the fritz and Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi agreed to meet in the parking lot, where he said: "So, why is Lake County stockpiling all these weapons? Two words: the Zombie Apocalypse. Haha, just kidding."

Your LakeCountyEye did not think this was a joking matter.

"Absolutely." replied Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Concealed Carry is the reason why your police department needs all this close-combat ordnance. When Barney Fife pulls you over for a traffic stop, he doesn't know what kind of weapons you are carrying. Naturally he wants to approach your vehicle in full body armor, and with an assault rifle pointed at you."

That didn't explain the need for the mine-resistant vehicles.

"Have you ever been in a police chase?" asked Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Well I have. Trust me, you don't want to run over a Lake County pothole in anything less than an armored personnel carrier."

... or explain the need for night-vision goggles.

"I shouldn't be telling you this," smiled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "but the next time one of your ops gets nabbed stealing a yardsign, you'll know why."

Your LakeCountyEye was still skeptical. Then what about all those helicopters?

Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi had a puzzled look. "How else is a peace officer supposed to drop agent orange on an unlicensed medical marijuana farm?"

Was there any parting advice? Your LakeCountyEye was late for a court-ordered anger management class.

"Tell your ops up in Wisconsin to think twice ..." said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "... if they ever intend to declare war on Lake County."


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Barney Baxter said...

hi Gerry,

I believe the Lake County Emergency Management Agency has jurisdiction over acts of terrorism: