Monday, June 8, 2015

The Rauner Turnbuckle Agenda

Is wrestling fake? The Governor Bruce Rauner Turnaround Agenda® is coming to the Lake County schools. Lake County will be participating in a pilot program aimed at eliminating the State budget deficit by reducing education costs. Beginning with the 2015-16 school year, Lake County schools will be required to include wrestling instruction in their common-core curricula, for all grades K thru 12.

It recently came to the attention of the Governor's office that former Yorkville wrestling coach Dennis Hastert had not only retired comfortably, but had enough discretionary income on hand to dole out $3,500,000 in hush money. Not a paltry sum, your LakeCountyEye has learned, even by Governor Rauner's standards.

According to the Governor's office, if that kind of money can be made on a wrestling coach's salary, then every public school teacher should be required to teach wrestling. And every public school teacher can expect to retire as comfortably well-off as Dennis Hastert.

One source told your LakeCountyEye: "This teacher pension system can be eliminated entirely. Teacher's unions will be eliminated as well -- because who with $3,500,000 in their secret bank account will ever want to go on strike?" No doubt about it, a win-win for everyone.

School-age children in Lake County have been asked to practice up on their noogies, wedgies & wet willies over the summer.

That's all your LakeCountyEye has. No biting, hitting below the belt, or head butting is allowed.

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