The Road Not Taken

So a guy is lost and ends up on the Amstutz Expressway. He stops at a gas station to get directions. He says "How do I get to Chicago?" The cashier says "I couldn't tell you." The guy says "OK, how do I get to Milwaukee?" The cashier says "I couldn't tell you." The guy says a couple other cities and each time the cashier says "I couldn't tell you." By now the guy is annoyed. "Do you even know where we are?" the guy says. The cashier looks at the guy and says "Son, you're on the Amstutz. You can't get anywhere from here."

HaHa, true story.

The rest of the world may know it as the Road to Nowhere, but you call it the Amstutz. And now, throwing redundancy to the wind, the City of Waukegan will be shutting down the Amstutz Expressway next week for a movie shoot:

Regular Waukegan City Council Meeting
7_00 PM - 06-02-2025

In related news, the Long Grove Bridge is on the move and will be relocated to the Amstutz Expressway. A spokesman said: "If anyone can find the bridge there, they are welcome to crash into it."

The Hits Just Keep on Coming

Stop your LakeCountyEye if you've heard this one before: So, some guy who is driving a truck crashes into the Long Grove bridge.

HaHa. In related news, some guy crashed into the Long Grove bridge:

Water is wet. The sky is blue. Someone hit the Long Grove Covered Bridge again.
Long Grove bridge hit by moving truck, allegedly for the 67th time

In related news, the village is working to sanction a NASCAR track -- one that would go under the Long Grove bridge. One spokesman said: "Most people go to these stock-car races to see the crashes anyways. It's a win-win."

Be the YOU You've Always Been

This is someone you know, a friend or relative, even. He wants to pass for normal and presents an identity well within the bounds of convention, but secretly knows it is a deception. Until one day he cannot go on living the lie -- and he comes out, proclaiming his true nature.

Your LakeCountyEye refers to former Republican Congressman Joe Walsh. Lake County GOP favorite son Joe Walsh says he is now a Democrat:

Joe Walsh, who previously represented Illinois' 8th Congressional district as a Republican, said Tuesday he is becoming a Democrat
Former Illinois Rep. Joe Walsh says he's becoming a Democrat

Of course, one does not simply switch parties -- from Republican to Democratic -- just like that. Mr Walsh is currently being held at an undisclosed location in El Salvador, while Immigration and Customs Enforcement processes the paperwork.

Aim for the Stars

The McHenry County Man who shot himself in the foot is lucky to be alive. That's because the McHenry County Man who discharged his weapon in the direction of River Road (in McHenry) discharged his weapon in the direction of River Road (a busy thoroughfare):

McHenry man accused of firing gun to ‘scare’ woman faces new charge he shot at ‘busy’ road

The McHenry County Man who shot off his mouth declined to comment.

Nothing Secesses Like Secession

Dust off your Confederate monuments, today's quiz tests your knowledge of the Civil War:

Q: Which legal precept enabled West Virginia to secede from the State of Virginia in 1863?

A: Because West Virginia.

HaHa. And no doubt with dreams of being the next West Virginia, this group of Republicans want to secede from the State of Illinois:

New Illinois, an organization that wants to create a state separate from Chicago and urban Cook County, drew about 60 people to a meeting Saturday at the Palatine Township Republican Organization office.
'New Illinois' supporters meet in Palatine, discuss urban-rural divide

For the record, Palatine is a township of Cook County; Palatine also is a village that straddles both Cook and Lake counties.

Downstate GOP separatists warn that Palatine residents would not be permitted to secede along with them: "Trump administration directives are clear. All Palatinians will have their visas revoked and will be deported."

THC TBD

The final exam, this term, covers sociology. Those who fail will be held over for summer school:

Q: What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A: If driving, a drunk will crash into the Long Grove bridge. A stoner will stop and wait for it to turn green.

HaHa, and chances are both would be on their way back to Mundelein.

In related news, they want to build another cannabis dispensary in Mundelein:

A few weeks ago, representatives of Terrabis stood before the Mundelein Village Board discussing their proposal to turn a former bank building into their newest cannabis shop location.
Mundelein home to latest example of evolving cannabis industry; 'If moms are using it, it's legitimate'

Is there room in Mundelein for another cannabis dispensary?

One homeowner told your LakeCountyEye: "Is the new Pope Catholic?"

Pickleball Tournament (18+)

Pickleball Tournament (18+)

Out of the Mouths of Children

Who needs the fat shot when you got Martin McLaughlin?

Backbench State Rep Martin McLaughlin wants to slash the Illinois budget:

Rep. Martin McLaughlin, Republican Lawmakers Unveil Over $5 Billion in Budget Savings

McLaughlin would implement the scheme by slashing summer school lunch programs:

Spend Less and Live Better

Kids these days are all too obese anyways, are they not?

Poor or disadvantaged children who rely on those school lunches can always attend one of Martin McLaughlin's fundraisers:

Note to Ops: You must be 21 or older if you're going to clutch hit the open bar.

Park Beautification Day

Gurnee Park District Park Beautification Day

Crash Course

The latest statistics are in: On average, someone crashes into the Long Grove bridge once every week. A spokesman for some non-fictitious agency said, "And the sooner that guy is apprehended the better!"

HaHa, perhaps that guy's been deported, given recent news:

It's been nearly four months since a truck has found itself wedged inside the infamous Long Grove covered bridge
Long Grove bridge enjoys rare accident-free stretch … for now; 'It's the town mascot'

Experts blame GPS. Distracted drivers are simply not being routed under the bridge.

The Village of Buffalo Grove may have a solution:

Buffalo Grove is moving forward with plans to update its gateway signage as part of rebranding efforts. The village also is working to install signs on the Route 83 pedestrian overpass bridge west of Buffalo Grove Road.
Buffalo Grove pushing ahead with new gateway, overpass signs

That's all your LakeCountyEye has. Hit the road.

Bonfire & Brews – Food Truck Frenzy

Bonfire & Brews – Food Truck Frenzy

Any Way You Want Meat

So a guy was going to the Mundelein outdoor cannabis festival but, atypical for a stoner, got lost. He ended up instead at the Mundelein Parks Meat Raffle. A vendor asked the guy if he would like to buy a raffle ticket for a smoked ham. The guy said he'd try anything once, but he would need 100 packs of rolling papers to smoke it.

HaHa, that joke has the added benefit of being true:

Mundelein Parks Foundation Meat Raffle Fundraiser

Of course, not everybody who attends a meat raffle is going to bring home some meat. But losers, it has been suggested, can always participate in the Lake County GOP gun raffle.

In other news, a missing persons alert has been filed for Tyson the Bison.

School's Out

Did you hear the one about the student who dreamed one night he had to take the ACT college entrance exam? But in the dream he didn't know where to go -- he couldn't remember the name of the school or where it was.

No? Well, you can read all about it in the Lake County Gazette:

School announces ACT and Pre-ACT testing schedule

Starting tomorrow, Tuesday, April 15th, students will begin either ACT or Pre-ACT testing. Students will follow the schedule below:

- Tuesday, April 15th: Juniors will take the online version of the ACT. Testing begins at 8 AM and dismissal is at 1 PM.

- Wednesday, April 16th: Sophomores will take the online version of the Pre-ACT. Testing begins at 8 AM with dismissal at 12:00 PM.

- Thursday, April 17th: Freshmen will take the online version of the Pre-ACT. Testing begins at 8 AM with dismissal at 12:00 PM.

Students will not attend on days they are not testing. Late arrivals cannot be admitted to testing; therefore, timely arrival is essential. Morning buses will run on their regular schedules. Students need to bring a charged Chromebook, calculator, and pencil on their test day. Those with alternative schedules due to accommodations have already been notified. Grab-and-go lunches are available each day.

For the record, the Lake County Gazette is Lake County's most dependable fakenews source. Its content is always imported, fresh and direct from Russian troll farms.

This has been confirmed by one GOP insider who told your LakeCountyEye: "Save yourself $100 and have your kid to skip the ACT Test. Once Trump defunds all of the universities, there won't be any 4-year colleges left anywhere in the country."

Viking Park Community Meeting

Viking Park Community Meeting

The Unidentified Lending Library

Of the public libraries in Lake County, not one can hold a candle to the Unidentified Lending Library. The Unidentified Lending Library of Lake County has no name. It has no address. It has books, and all were ghosted.

HaHa, readers of this blog first encountered the Unidentified Lending Library in the pages of the Lake County Gazette:

You Know My Name (Look Up the ISBN)

And the Lake County Gazette (Lake County's #1 fakenews source) now has more riveting news to report on the state of the Unidentified Lending Library:

Library transitions to new book vendor

The library has announced a transition to a new book vendor, aiming to streamline the ordering process and ensure quicker and more reliable arrival of new materials.

The library expressed gratitude towards its community for their patience during this transitional phase. "We appreciate the patience and understanding of our community as we make this change," said the library's statement.

The new vendor is expected to improve service delivery significantly. "Thank you for your continued support as we work to enhance our services," the statement added.

Patrons experiencing delays or having questions are encouraged to contact the library for assistance.

For the record, the Lake County Gazette imports its content direct from Russian bot farms. And the facts all speak for themselves!