Monday, March 18, 2019

Vice Chair

The actual unretouched Cuba Township Republican Committeeman List:

Cuba Republican Committeemen
The C stands for Township Chairman:
Your LakeCountyEye would like to be the spycam fly on the wall at those Cuba Township Republican Committeemen meetings.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Drivel License

An actual unretouched screenshot of the Lake County Gazette, Lake County's #1 source of fake news:

Village of Cary Liquor License Violation will meet March 15
For the record, liquor violations occur so frequently in the Village of Cary that these have taken to meeting on a monthly basis.

Haha, j/k.

The Russian Twitter Bot that generates all Lake County Gazette news items had its hard-drive crash in 2016. And since then it has been a random word generator.

No one who subscribes to the Lake County Gazette noticed.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

Get Off Schock-Free

Press 1 if you are Not Guilty.  Press 2 if you are Guilty.
Honorary Lake County Ex-GOP-Congressman Aaron Schock got dealt a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card:
In a surprise move, federal prosecutors in Chicago announced they had agreed to drop all charges against Schock in what's known as a deferred prosecution.
Prosecutors in Chicago to drop charges against former U.S. Rep. Aaron Schock if he pays back IRS, campaign
Schock had been indicted for misusing Federal campaign money. These are similar charges that had sent former US Rep Jesse Jackson Jr to prison for 2 1/2 years.

As a general rule, it goes without saying, never pinch pennies when it comes to legal counsel.

Note to Lake County GOP Ops: If your legal representation is not up to snuff, it may be time to switch lawyers. Give Aaron Schock a call. Just because there is an R after your name, that doesn't mean you can expect a pardon. Just Sayin!

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Close Enough for Anti-Government Work

An actual unretouched screencap from Lake County's #1 fake news source, the Lake County Gazette:

Top 10 campaign contribution recipients
in Lake County for the week of 2019-02-11
For the record, it is widely believed that three is not equal to ten.

The discrepancy has been attributed to the Russian Twitter Bot that produces the Lake County Gazette fakenews stories. One knowledgeable source, who spoke on condition of perspicacity, offered an explanation: "Those Eastern-Bloc fake-news-generating algorithms all use metric system numbers."

Your LakeCountyEye will keep you apprised when further developments warrant.

Friday, March 1, 2019

There are No Atheists in a Pothole

... so big, that even the potholes have potholes.
Since driving on a permanently revoked license is against the law, your LakeCountyEye normally turns a blind eye to this sort of story:
Road crews are hoping for a break from the snow that will allow them to catch up on the recent crop of potholes following the freeze and thaw cycles. Drivers who spot issues can find reporting forms for the Lake County Division of Transportation at lakecountyil.gov or Illinois Department of Transportation at www.idot.illinois.gov.
Spot a pothole in Lake County? Here's how to report it
To dig up the lowdown, your LakeCountyEye contacted Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Blackburn-Lancashire Roads Scholar at the College of Lake County.

"Dude, I am hungry." said Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "My airplane had a layover in one of those Caribbean pothole countries. You know, where the ganja is legal."

Different kind of pothole, your LakeCountyEye was quick to point out.

Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi giggled: "No way!"

Way.

Then Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi was suddenly all frowns: "Haha I'm cool, cool with that. I will say that IDOT has issued a severe pothole warning for all of Lake County. Motorists are asked to stay home. Those who cannot are asked to call Uber."

How big are these hazards?

"I'm glad you asked." grinned Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "The potholes in Lake County are so big that entire vehicles are being swallowed. And we're not talking Yugos. We're talking Camrys, even Tauruses."

Hard to believe.

"Believe me." trumpeted Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Scientists found a number of Lake County potholes which go down so deep that even light cannot escape. One has an event horizon that extends completely through McHenry County."

Is it like they will ever notice a difference?

"That baby has it's own zipcode." added Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi.

Is that how the scientists keep track of them?

"No." replied Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Have you noticed how climatologists are now giving names even to local storms?"

So as to gin up public interest in what otherwise would have been some run-of-the-mill weather event?

"Exactly." nodded Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "And transportation officials are now giving names to the Lake County potholes."

Your LakeCountyEye was all like: Get out!

"There is one named pothole near the Bog State Natural Area called the Holo in Volo." continued Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Another one in front of the Waukegan Court House has been christened the Judge Crater. And if you're driving by Gurnee Mills, watch out for the Grand Wazoo."

Your LakeCountyEye had heard enough. Did Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice?

"Tell your Operatives relief is in sight. Foxconn has agreed to buy all of Lake County's potholes to store their industrial waste. Their radioactive runoff will be diverted into the holes, and is expected to harden within 10,000 years. And then the County roads will be like brand new!"