Friday, December 4, 2015

The Peter Roskam Principles: Divide & Conquer

Bonjourno, as they say in Benghazi, Italy. You probably don't know who I am. My name is Peter Roskam, the vestigial Congressman of Lake County. I've agreed to conduct this virtual townhall meeting for the benefit of this blog ... but more importantly this is my opportunity for me -- U.S. Congressman Peter Roskam -- to better get to know, and fraternize with you, my constituents.
Has this ever happened to you? Your hardworking staff works overtime long hours and weekends to ensure that you, Peter Roskam, are safely on the 2016 election ballot:

Candidate List -- GENERAL PRIMARY -- 3/15/2016
Only you wake up that very same day and discover that you, Peter Roskam, have been primaried. And not only that, but primaried by some guy named Gordon Kinzler. Just who is Gordon Kinzler anyways, and why isn't he voting for his Congressman in Washington, Peter Roskam? Staff says he must be some teaparty deadender:

Candidate List -- GENERAL PRIMARY -- 3/15/2016
Now you are probably wondering, why am I -- Peter Roskam, 5-term Congressman, former Chief Deputy Whip and current member of the House Benghazi Committee -- worried about some teaparty deadender who is on the same ballot against a 5-term Congressman, Peter Roskam? Well, the answer in a word is two little words: Eric Cantor. Eric Cantor, you will recall was the 7-term Congressman and House Majority Leader, who got challenged by a teaparty deadender (some guy named Dave Brat) in the 2014 primary. Long story short, I've been told that Mr Cantor currently manages a 24-hour Chipotle in Bethesda.

Well, I informed my staff in no uncertain terms that this would not do. I immediately got on the horn and made some phone calls. And one week later, on the last petition filing day, lo and behold there were three names on that same ballot:

Candidate List -- GENERAL PRIMARY -- 3/15/2016
I, Peter Roskam, will let you in on a little secret.  A wise man -- who was named H.L. Mencken (and not Peter Roskam) -- once said: "No one ever lost an election underestimating the intelligence of the American voter." So when John Q Teaparty-Voter goes to cast his ballot against Peter Roskam next year, he won't know the difference between a Gordon Kinzler and a Gerald Drabik -- or between a Peter Roskam for that matter. This is an example of Peter Roskam's Divide and Conquer principle: divide the opposition vote, and virtually ensure that 5-term Congressman Peter Roskam will be well on his way to being 6-term Congressman Peter Roskam.
This is Peter Roskam reminding you that if you keep true to your principles you will never have to see the insides of a D.C.-area Chipotle.

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